Only Endless Memory

Sunday, August 10, 2008

More About Me

I have said a few things about myself in various posts, and in my bio, but I have been relatively vague about a lot about myself, other then my interest in writing and things that I am doing. I have also mentioned much of my beliefs, thoughts and philosophies. I suppose I should let you know some about my background and some of where my thinking process comes from.

I was born the last of six children. My parents had three boys and then three girls. It was also an abusive childhood, with my father being sexually abusive and my mother knowing it was happening but not stopping it. My mother was also abusive in other ways as she was the disciplinarian in the family and was very controlling. Many of the abuses from the mother were fairly subtle and hard to see, and it left me very confused.

Also, because of the way I handled the various abuses internally, it left me vulnerable to things outside of the home as well. This made school particularly difficult, and making friends was very hard for me and still is. I am very shy and have a hard time feeling like I fit in anywhere. Because of the various abuses that happened, I formed Dissociative Identity Disorder (more commonly known as Multiple Personality Disorder). Along with this, I also had some of the other problems which often came with it, including General Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

These were not found until after I was out of the abusive house, and it really had turned my life upside down. I was not able to function at work and the Depression had me suicidal and self destructive. That is why I am disability. It has been seventeen years, and I have improved a good deal.

In that period of time, one of the choices I made was to live as male instead of as female. I have not had any surgery due to the fact that I can't afford it and it is hard to get insurance to cover it, but I have been on testosterone, and between the changes from that as well as the way I act and speak, dress, etc. I generally am "pass" as male.

As you can guess, I have a lot of thoughts about gender an also sexuality as it relates to gender (I still am more interested in men, but consider myself bi-sexual with a preference to men). My general thought on a partner is that I am more interested in their personality then in their gender. I am also interested in abuse issues and morality, in general, because of my past.

Oh, as another note, I was brought up Roman Catholic, but when I was about seventeen or eighteen I chose to become pagan, because paganism made more sense to me then Christianity. I was rather anti-Christian for a time because of some negative experiences with the church and with Christians I had known, but I have grown to be accepting of the Christians themselves and judge them as people not as their religion. I still do not agree with many of the doctrines of the Catholic church, but this does not mean I do not like Catholics, it means I do not like the doctrines.

Wow, I am sure I could write several entries on just my thoughts on religion acceptance. This is enough for now, I think it gives a general overview about me. I purposely kept things rather vague.

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