Only Endless Memory

Ooops, High Priestess

2008-12-08T18:08:00.003-05:00

I realized that I forgot to post the High Priestess write up that I did for the tarot cards, so I wanted to put my post in. I also wanted to say that I am having surgery on my back on the 16th of the month, so I am being stressed. I have been very erratic for the last two hours since I found out when surgery is. i have just been kind of bouncing from one thing to another and not been able to focus at all.

The High Priestess

The High Priestess is a woman of knowledge, but unlike the Magician whose knowledge comes from books and study, her knowledge comes from a high level of intuition. She is highly empathic and respected as such. Spiritually, she is a leader of her people and a guide to the Goddess. Her knowledge will help others reach an enlightened state and to get in touch with their own inner wisdom.

The High Priestess is a number two of the Major Arcana, two's usually represent a period of waiting or a partial success with a further success coming later.

In my Fantastical Creatures Tarot Deck, the High Priestess is a Winged Serpent lying on the ground with its' front half off the ground and its' wings spread. The ground is stony and matches the scales on the serpents hide. There are two scrolls lying on the ground in front of the serpent and words are illuminated behind it. Light shines down from an unknown source directly onto the serpent. Besides the light and the words behind the serpent, it looks like it could be night and outside.

Again, I see the signs of knowledge from the scrolls in front of the snake. The words that are glowing behind the snake, I see as innate knowledge or wisdom. The snake itself is a symbol of transformation and change as it sheds its' skin as it grows and changes. The illumination itself I see as enlightenment, reaching a place of higher knowledge and connection to higher forces then ones' self.

Some other thoughts I have , especially if there is a reversal: The fact that the snakes skin matches the ground around it and the darkness around it indicates to me that it might not always be easy to see the clear path of intuition. One should be aware of relying too heavily on intuition or receiving intuition from one who might be deceiving you. Try to keep a balance between intuition and “common sense”.

Tarot - The Emperor

2008-12-05T19:22:00.002-05:00

Well, another day, and I have seen the surgeon again. I have to make up my mind about surgery. It seems that though I have had less pain, that may not all be a good thing, as I have had more numbness and tingling which means that the nerve might be having more damage. I am not sure what to do at this point. It is looking more and more like surgery.

The Emperor

The Emperor is the patriarch of the family, the wise ruler or leader. He is a man of strength and will, whose passions lead him to make the necessary choices to rule with wisdom. He does not make his decisions blindly, but first seeks out the truth.

Being a number four card, the Emperor often stands for a plan coming to fruition or the space or foundation for things to grow or the manifestation of an idea.

In the Fantastical Creatures Deck, the Emperor is represented by a pegasus flying across a chasm. Over its' head a wind or cloud seems to take a shape showing three faces, all masculine. One face looks forward, one which appears to have glasses on looks down and the third appears to be looking skywards. The pegasus is flying beneath the cloud and does not seem to notice it. Around the neck of a the pegasus there is a cord with two white feathers wound into it. Small rocks are stirred near the back hooves of the winged horse and also further in front of it. It appears it is just taking flight. Some red flowers cling to the face of one side of the chasm face.

As many other people have spoken much about seeing fire signs in their Emperor cards, I find it interesting that I am seeing mostly air signs in my card. I also see a very different meaning then what I would normally say for the Emperor from this card as well. I am seeing the chasm as an obstacle to be overcome. It is one that is overcome with wisdom and knowledge and by correctly using the information one has to make a decision. So, I suppose that is not too far off from what I did say. The main difference is that there is an obstacle to be overcome.

I see the winged horse as a symbol of air as well as action and energy. It is a means to get over the obstacle of the rocky chasm in front of it. Above it are the onlookers, the three faces in the clouds. One looks down, looking for further dangers, one looks forward doing the same. The third face looking up is thanking the Lord and Lady. Also, the three faces could be representing body, mind and spirit. The red flowers growing are the place I see a fire symbol, passion and tenacity growing on the side of a cliff.

The concern I see with this card is that it is knocking rocks off into the chasm and may not notice what is below in the chasm that it may harm. So, a reversal may be that there is the possibility of overcoming the obstacles but not looking around to see who may be hurt in the process, being too focused on success to see a larger picture.

The Empress

2008-12-01T23:06:00.003-05:00

I am continuing with my Tarot updates with The Empress. I have yet to hear from the surgeon about surgery on my back. I have been thinking seriously about not having the surgery as I have been feeling better, but have not had a chance to talk to the surgeon to arrange anything with him, so things are very much up in the air. I have no idea what is going on for the holidays. Bah Humbug!

The Empress

The Empress is the matriarch of the family. She is an older mother, not the mother with child, but more the mother whose children have grown into their teens and she is keeper of the house. While she can be demanding, she is also fair. She holds great knowledge, but it is not always easy to get it from her as she knows that the most important lessons we learn we must learn on our own.

The Empress is a number three card which usually suggests a situation involving more then one person or a group. It can also signify a delay or a partial success and then a wait before the situation can come to fruition.

In the Fantastical Creature Tarot, the card shows an older woman wearing a gown with a pattern of vines on it. It is covered by a blue cloak with gold trim. A headband keeps her hair from her eyes, but otherwise it flows loose behind her. A radiance surrounds her. At her feet there are some ferns and some rocks with spiral patterns and three apples. A rabbit sits on a nearby rock and above her head a raven flies. Behind her is a tree with gnarled roots.

I find this card very interesting because of all the symbols in it. The raven itself is a symbol of occult knowledge. It is also seen as a harbinger of death. The tree, especially the one with the gnarled roots strikes me as a tree of life image. The tree of life expresses both life and death in it. Apples are seen as a symbol of knowledge and wisdom. Rabbits symbolize fertility, while spirals are another symbol of the cycle of life as well as a symbol of the divine female.

All of these symbols together seem to suggest a lot toward knowledge and also gaining this learning through transformation. This may be a bit outside of the norm for other Empress cards, but with the amount of death or transformation symbolism I see in this card, I have to say that transformation is part of the learning process that comes with the wisdom that must be gained.

In keeping up with reversals, I think that the thing to worry about here would be to be overwhelmed by all the little details. The opposite is also possible, to focus too much on yourself and to not see the lessons outside of yourself that you need to learn. I think it could go either way, and that would vary on the reading.

Tarot - The Magician

2008-11-14T12:29:00.003-05:00

So, I have been sick this week. I got a flu shot a few weeks ago, and now I am sick. It was not a live virus, but I just find it humorous that I get a flu shot for the first time ever and I think this is the earliest in the season I have been sick. I do think that my immune system is suffering from my lack of being able to sleep well because of my back pain.

I wake up constantly having to find a new position that hurts less. I would say a position that doesn't hurt, but I have not found one of those. It is just a matter of degrees of pain. I then eventually reach a point where I can't move into a position that I can actually sleep in and have to get up. Getting a new futon did not make getting out of bed any easier, I still have to use the chair and crawl out of bed. So, now that I have whined about pain long enough time to post this weeks tarot card.

The Magician

First thing I think of with the magician is that he is a worker of magic. In traditional decks, he has all the tools of magic laid out before him. This shows him as a man of wisdom and knowledge, much as a woman who works the craft carries knowledge and wisdom as well.

Being a card with a number one, it also usually signifies beginnings, things that have to begun to manifest. Another thing that most people know about magic is that it does not just happen. magic is not simply about the physical acts of ritual either, it is about the will and focus that we put into those acts. Therefore, I see this as a card that signifies a place of beginnings and opportunities and as well a need to focus our energies to achieve our desires. The possibilities and skills our all laid out on the table before us, it is up to us to take the steps toward bringing our goals to fruition.

Now to look at the Magician from the Fantastical Creatures Deck. The picture shows a winged cat sitting on a table with his front paws on a wand. laid out on the table are two books, a crystal ball, some runes, and some stones. Behind the cat are some shelves with more books, and a few bottles. There is a dreamcatcher on the wall, as well as what looks like herbs hanging from the ceiling. Light filters in through a single window. The cat also has a collar with a bell.

Once again, we see many symbols of the craft, tools of divination, and of learning. One of the things I see when I look at this is that it seems highly focused on the intellect. There are books all around, the divination tools, the wings on the cat and even the bell. All of these show the intellect which may give a warning of a reverse meaning of the card being to be aware of being too much into the intellectual that you miss out on being in touch with your emotions.

So, overall, I see all of the tools and knowledge is there an available for the person to succeed if they are willing to put forth the effort of will to do so. The thing to be wary of is to not lose oneself in the strictly intellectual and forget the emotional and spiritual components along the way as well.

Tarot Card - The Fool

2008-11-07T04:17:00.003-05:00

So, yea, I know I have not written in over a month. It has been a pretty crappy month which has mostly contained me being in pain because of my back still. There was the good news of Obama winning the election. There is also the news that I have a new doctor now because I got sick of the last one. I am much happier with the new doctor already. It is nice to have a doctor who will actually spend time with me and make sure she checks everything she needs to.

As the subject says, I am writing about the Tarot card - The Fool. I have gotten involved with a pagan group online that started an offshoot for Tarot discussion. I have loved tarot cards for many years now. I was first introduced to them about twenty-five years ago. My mother used to read tarot some, and showed me her deck. Of course, when I told her that I had someone ask me to read cards in their store her comment was "I figured you would do something stupid like that." My mother was not the most consistent person in my life. Anyways, the group started the tarot discussion and I did a write-up on the Fool. I am hoping that I can continue to do this for the whole deck.

Yes, It is ambitious for the person who can't keep up with a daily blog, but I am hoping that the group will inspire me. I also have some other pagan writings I would like to be doing over the next year or so. I have had a lot to think about over the last month. So, without further ado, this is what I have written about The Fool... seems fitting for my project.

Tarot – The Fool

The fool is a starting place in some ways, being the “start” of the deck, so I see it as a reference to beginnings in that aspect. I also see the Fool as a balance in many ways between the general impetuous nature that one would expect from the Fool and the wisdom that is also inherent in the role as well. I think of stories and traditions of the king playing fool for a day in many cultures and the the fool taking the place of the king. In this way, it teaches the king humility and allows them to be closer to his people.

I also think of the Fool in regards to the idea of tabula rasa: a blank slate which is there waiting for knowledge. In accepting that one is a fool, there is a great wisdom for you are able to open your mind and accept more possibilities then if you have preconceived notions.

For the first time as I am writing this I think I am understanding how reversals can be used. I have always had a hard time in the past doing a reading with any reversals because I tried to use the booklet definitions for what the reversals meant and they never made sense to me. As I think about it now, I see that the reversal in the case of the Fool could be a warning to be aware of going too far into the impetuous side of things, or to be open to new ideas (as in the blank slate concept), but do not allow yourself to be lead astray by the “foolishness” of it and to curb impulsiveness and gullibility with wisdom.

Now to actually look at a card and see if I get more impressions from it. I am using DJ Conway and Linda Hunts Fantastical Creatures Tarot. It is a deck I have looked at a little, but never tried to do a reading with, so the impressions are more fresh (in theory, at least). It could prove to be interesting as I look at it, because they are non-traditional images. Things I see that stick out in mind mind when I look at the art: 1) there is a path going off into the distance 2) the beastie that is the main figure is a sort of Quetzalcoatl looking thing that has two snake heads pointing in different directions and it is perched on a tree 3) the grass has pretty red flowers, but the sky is grey and stormy 4) there is a stone wall that has an opening for the path.

My quick breakdown of those various images are 1) a path can represent a journey, be it physical or spiritual 2) the beastie looking in both directions can either be a balance or confusion, like it isn't sure where it is headed 3) while things may look nice, pretty and easy from the serpent that is looking towards the ground, the one that sees the skies knows that there are dangers and things to be cautious of 4) the wall is an obstacle to be passed just as the clouds above are something to be weathered.

Bright Blessings!

The Age of Disconnection

2008-10-01T17:01:00.003-04:00

There has been much talk about how much more in touch people are in this day in age. Everybody and his brother (well, except for me) has a cell phone. Computers are in a large number of homes creating networks of information. Information is available just a web search away.

If you want to talk to discuss something, there are email groups for almost any subject you can think of. Cancer survivors, beagle enthusiasts, fetishists, and dice collectors can all talk with other like-minded people. Players from all over the world log in to mass multiplayer online games and talk in game or use programs like ventrilo or teamspeak to speak to each other in "real time" on voice chat.

We are more connected to each other then ever before, but the more connected we are to each other all over the world, the less connected we seem to be personally. I often see a groups of people walking down the street together and more often then not, it seems that one or more of them are too busy talking on their cell phone or text messaging to actually spend time talking with the person that they are walking with. In stores, I see people in a check out line who barely see the cashier as they are on their cell phone.

Even when I lived with my old roommates, often while we were all in the same room or a room away from each other, we each were playing our games or doing our own things on our respective computers and spent little time actually talking to each other. Myself and many other people I know as well reach out to people across the country and the world through the computer but rarely go out much with friends in "real life."

I have made steps to try to get myself out more and to spend time with new friends, but it is often a struggle. It really is much easier to have the friendships over the computer where there is a certain distance that is maintained through the written or spoken word. For myself, I know it is a choice that I make and it is something that I can see.

What I begin to question, is for the children that have grown up in this age of computers and cell phones, is it a choice? Do they notice the distance they have put between themselves and those around them? I was in the hospital emergency room yesterday and there was a young girl who was sick and had two friends with her. One of her friends, that I believe was there to support her, spent most of the time text messaging someone else.

Is this the present days form of dissociating from the things that are unpleasant or scary to us? Instead of facing the things that bother us, we spend hours living in a world with distanced texts or words on a phone rather then seeing what is in front of us? We spend hours net surfing, watching videos with little or no point, and finding our connections through a filtered screen rather then seeing the faces around us.

Salem and a Writing Exercise

2008-09-22T09:46:00.003-04:00

I went to Salem, Massachusetts on Saturday and spent the day walking (painfully) around town and doing some shopping at the pagan shops. In the evening, we went to a Mabon ritual held by Temple of the Nine Wells in town there. I was there with friends from the pagan group that we have running at our church, and we all seemed to have a good time. I had the money to spend on one of my pastimes of collecting tarot decks.

Yes, I do collect tarot decks. I have 44 separate tarot decks not counting the various other sets of divination cards or tools (i.e. The Visual I Ching, Throwing of the Bones, Rune Cards and Runes, Medicine Cards, Animal Cards, etc). If you are also wondering whether or not I do tarot readings, I do. I do not use all of my decks for readings. Some of them are only for art and I would not be at all comfortable doing readings with them. I use various decks depending on intent or the person I am reading for. I have been sticking with one deck more then another recently as I have found that I am working towards reading in a different manner then I used to (which was always using the cheat sheet that came with the deck). I am now working on reading cards intuitively mostly by what I see or feel from the cards.

I also mentioned a writing exercise in the title. It has been a while since I have posted a writing exercise, at least partially to the fact that I have not been writing as much as I had been. Well, in the effort to get into writing more, I am also working on writing more in general again, so it is time to do a writing exercise. I am not sure who, if anyone reads my posts regularly, or even irregularly, but if there is something they would like as a writing exercise or suggestion, I would be happy to take suggestions. Until then, I will stick with my old methods.

For my inspiration for this story, I used the Speculative Fiction Muse.
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On the Dangers of Dune Migration

Todd looked out across the sand. Well, there was not much to look at but sand. Some of the sand dunes were rather impressive, but it was still sand. There was also the sun, but Todd preferred not to think too much about that cause it made him think about things like being thirsty and how nice a glass of iced tea would be on a nice sunny day and how unlikely that would be about now out here with all the sand.

Instead he thought about sand dunes. Sand dunes were, on the whole, unappreciated by most people. They would think that a sand dune was a sand dune was a sand dune. There actually was more to a sand dune then just being a sand dune though. There were actually types of sand dunes. Sand dunes could be tranverse, linear, or star dunes and could be simple, compound or complex. Then there were whalebacks and, of course, the often misconstrued quicksand. He knew a lot about sand dunes alright.

He walked some as he thought about sand dunes and their migration patterns, starting to think of his own movement in a similar way. Being pushed by the wind until it was eventually forced over by the weight of time or some other outside force to then become the lower edge of a dune and continue the migration pattern. He was not sure his migration would go much further other then to become part of the dunes, which would not be an altogether bad thing in the big picture he supposed.

A light flashed off to his left and he turned to see more sand. What would cause a flash of light out here? Reflections of the sun off from some object. Some object that was not sand. Could he have a hope that it was water? He altered his course slightly, and headed off to the left. That would be the west, toward the setting sun. If the sun ever set around here. Of course the sun set around here. Another flash of light caused him to hurry his step slightly, and he stumbled. The first flash of light had not been his imagination.

Gathering himself, he continued on. Forcing himself to keep from trying to rush too much and waste his already waning strength. He still saw no real signs of actual water, just those brief flashes. None of the signs of trees or other plant life that generally surround an oasis, but perhaps it is one of the springs that comes to ground during certain times of the year. This would in ways be better then seeing the picture perfect oasis then he might start think he was seeing things. Even better when the flash came again, it was much closer.

He made his last push up the windward face of one of the larger dunes and that is when he saw Skye. He sat down and stared at the uncomprehending face staring back at him. "What? What are you doing out here all alone?" he cried out in confusion.

"I could ask you the same thing," her voice answered in return, sounding rather husky from emotion.

"I came out here to study sand dunes, and things were going so well, so I, well, anyways, I got caught in a sandstorm and lost my equipment and my bearings. I figured if I kept heading north, I would find something, I may have miscalculated. Who are you?"

"I'm Skye. I got lost, too. I figured I was going to die here all alone in this wasteland with nothing but sand for miles, but now you are here."

"I'm Todd." He looked around. He had not found an oasis or water. He had found another person who was lost. What were the chances of that? His mind was trying to come up with the rather astronomical odds when she spoke again.

"You don't know a way for us to get out of here either do you?"

Todd shook his head sadly, numbers still spinning in his head.

"It is better then being alone though. Will you stay though, Todd? I don't think I have the strength to keep walking on forever through the sands. Even if I count all the different types of dunes or sand flats."

"Yes, I can stay here with you, Skye. I don't want to be alone either. After all the walking I did, I think the think I was most afraid of was that I would die here alone in the sand and be forgotten by all but the sand.

Skye smiled, "I was feeling the same way. I did not want to die alone out here, but now we are together, and it won't be so bad. You will have more then just the sand to remember you. You will have Skye."

And so Skye and Todd was not alone when death claimed them in the cold of night. In the morning, the winds blew, already forming a new dune over Todd and the mirror he held in his lap.

"Back" into Writing

2008-09-18T21:06:00.002-04:00

Yes, I keep saying I have to get back into writing regularly, and I have been doing a poor job of it. I really, really hate September. I generally have a lot of depression in September and it slows me down a lot from doing many things. Writing just happens to be on of the things that I am not doing. I have been spending a lot of time sleeping. I also started playing a different computer game and that has my mind off on other things. My sleep has been all messed up due a few different things, the depression being the main one.

The other thing that has been effecting me a great deal is my back. I decided that I wanted to carry the air conditioner from the old apartment down to the basement for storage over the winter. It was part of the things I still needed to do around the apartment since moving in. Well, when I lifted up from the floor, I felt something do this sort of slide and pop in my back. It did not immediately hurt, but as I made my way across the floor and then down the steps to the basement, it got worse and worse.

I managed to get the air conditioner properly placed on the its' shelf, and then tried to sit down and the pain really started. I made an appointment that evening with my doctors' office and had one of my friends come over to pick me up and take me there. It seems I have managed to get a sacroiliac joint injury. This is basically, the place where the hip connects to the spine and has very minimal motion. I caused it to move more then it really should move and have been paying for it since then.

Between depression and pain and pain meds, I have spent a lot of time asleep and a lot of time just trying to distract myself from the fact that I am in a great deal of pain. It is definitely better then it was on Friday, but it is still hurting a great deal. So, that is my excuse for not writing recently. September Sucks.

Another Day in my Life

2008-09-09T20:19:00.003-04:00

So, as you see, I have not gotten back into the habit of writing daily into the blog. I am mostly settled down into the new apartment, I do have a few scattered boxes to unpack still, and the place is still a lot messier then I would like it to be. I have just not been feeling very motivated to do much since the first large unpacking spree. I have had a bit of depression and that has just making it hard to get anything anything done.

Outside of that, I went to Voc Rehab today and had my Voc Assessment. The person I saw seems to be supporting me going to school, and was very nice at least. I did generally well on the tests if a bit slow on some of the timed parts, but I was also accurate on them. So, she gets to point out that I am anal retentive, but not necessarily in those words.

Last night was a meeting with the Pagan Circle for us to discuss the Samhain circle. Things are progressing nicely for it. I am writing up most of the ritual for it. We are doing the normal casting the circle, and invoking the Goddess and God, then we are having a memorial for the dead. After that we are doing a blessing for a ritual broom and will have a story that goes with that. We will also offer apples to people and have a brief story about what the apples represent. Michelle is writing up the part about the apples, and Susan is doing the write up about the broom, with me helping out if needed. We will then have a reading of one of my poems, a time to share our experiences, then open the circle.

I have the memorial, casting, invocation and dismissals written up. I need to write up a description of the holiday, and I think that is basically it. I also need to buy some ribbon to wrap the broom with. I might post some of it a bit later. I just wanted to make sure I posted something today, because it has been so long. I spent the past hour on Ventrilo talking to my brother.

It's Been Forever

2008-09-02T22:40:00.003-04:00

Well, like the title says, it has been forever since I have written. I was very busy with the whole packing and moving thing, and being depressed that my apartment was not my home anymore. Then the big move came and with it my internet came down and was not up in my new apartment like it was supposed to be. It just finally came up today after several days with arguing with my isp provider. It was made even more fun by the fact that my phone is VoIP, so all my calls to Verizon were made either at the pay phone a block away or on cell phones that I borrowed from various friends. (Yes, I am one of those people who live back in medieval ages without a cell phone).

I am happy to be online again, even if all I did today was kill my brain cells by reading http://icanhascheezburger.com/, reading my email, listening to all 15 of my voice mail, and chatting with my brother on Ventrilo. That is actually what I am still doing now, we are talking about possibly having me take a trip to Washington DC and maybe catching some of the Nerdfighting Tour in Virginia. My brother is planning out a vacation for me if his wife allows him to. I would love to see some of the tour, I know. Nerdfighter Vacation!!

I need to call my doctor in the morning as I seem to have developed an infection on my thumb from an ingrown nail that does not want to go away. I am so not looking forward to getting it poked and prodded, but I really need to do something with it, cause I can't do normal things like sign checks without pain. luckily most of typing I can do.Moving has been pretty nasty, cause just the pressure of lifting and moving things has been making it open and do unpleasant things.

Okay, my brain is completely not on straight right now, so I am going to head out and maybe later I can think in at least somewhat cohesive sentences and paragraphs without getting distracted.. Oh Shiny!!

Ooops

2008-08-16T20:07:00.004-04:00

So, it must be bad that I don't even remember the fact that I didn't write yesterday. I did a bit of packing, and I think, in general, with a large portion of my apartment packed, I am feeling disconnected and out of sorts. My apartment doesn't feel as much like a home anymore and I feel kind of lost. So, I apologize for not writing.

I did pick out an exercise today, and I have a writing assignment I really should work on for some Nerdfighters I am doing a project with. We are working on a collaborative project to make a book of sorts where each person adds to it and has a certain amount of time to do their part in it. I really need to work out my part since it is my turn to write. I am not sure if my original idea will still work or not, I might just go with it and see what happens.

Anyways, my project today is another challenge from FM Writers.

ENHANCED...

Whether by magic or high-tech wizardry, the temptation to enhance your physical or mental prowess is always with us. From steroids to love potions, we are fascinated by things that 'improve' us or give us an edge, even if it is morally questionable, or even dangerous. Today, show your character as they wrestle with the idea of enhancing themselves despite the cost.

I am not even sure what character I am going to use yet; I might even be making up some new ones. I just like this idea, so I am going with it.

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A Matter of Magic

Feral held the potion in his hand and glared belligerently at Shadow, who was looking as calmly as ever back at his brother. His very calmness just caused Feral's anger to rise that much more. "Don't you want me to win?" he said through gritted teeth with only a slight emphasis on the you.

Shadow sighed softly, "Do not ask me silly questions you already know the answers to, brother."

His right hand ran through his silky black mane of hair, and he did his best to count slowly to ten. He made it to three before barking out, "Then why don't you want me to use this?" He held up the phial in his hand.

"I want you to win fairly, brother."

"What if I don't win, brother-dear? What then? What if the witch kills me? You know damn well what she is capable of." Feral's green eyes seemed to brighten in his anger, and he shook slightly. Even Feral could not tell if his shaking was anger or fear, he had been close to death before, but to willingly walk into it's mouth and not take all advantage that he could take.

Shadow gazed back at his brother, his voice and demeanor as calm as ever, "Then she will learn to regret what she did to me."

Feral gazed into his brother's eyes and saw the peaceful gray darken ever so slightly. He closed his own eyes, and tried counting to ten again, he managed to make it to seven this time, that was close to his record of eight. He put the potion down, and turned to meet his fate.

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Writing When you Don't Feel Like It

2008-08-14T22:08:00.005-04:00

Yep, I am not feeling much like writing today. I was completely brain dead yesterday and was doing a million things. I packed, then had a friend over and went shopping with her and helped her pick out a printer and some stuff for it. Then we went out to the movies and I had to be up early today for Voc Rehab. Voc Rehab decided I need more testing before they will let me go to school, so I am likely not going to be able to go to the first term in September.

In a way this is good, because I do not have to worry about moving and starting school at the same time. On the other hand, I am upset that I got kind of screwed over because the counselor did not do the testing that he should have done in the first place. I guess I will just deal with things as they come, it is all I can do right now.

Things for the move are still coming along well. I have things settled for the movers, and I am borrowing money from my friend for the extra that I need for the security deposit. I almost had that screwed up for me also because I did not get information from the housing people on time to get the loan from Pastoral Services. Thankfully, my friend happened to have money I could borrow.

Okay, different writing exercise today, I got this one Forward Motion Writer's Community. Forward Motion is a site that is set up for writer's wherever they are on their path in writing, but it is for those who have the ambition of getting published, and gives information for writer's and how to present their writing as well as lots or various exercises.

The exercise I am doing is around a character I have already created and used in other stories I have written. I would like him to be in a novel, I have a few chapters done, but no where close to enough...

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The Morning After

Fury's eye cracked open and then closed again with a groan. Pain lanced through his head. What Mack truck hit me? he thought to himself not wanting to move. His mind was crawling trying to focus back on what had happened the night before. The light coming in through the window was much too bright for him to think clearly. His foggy mind stalled a moment, Light through the window? "Sonuva... Where the hell am I?"

He felt movement near him and turned quickly, his eyes opening wide, regretting both the movement and opening his eyes immediately. A pair of blue eyes opened from a handsome face. "Morning, Fur," Flex said his eyes failing to focus as usual, "You had a bad night, but we took cover here. Tawny has the perimeter, it's safe. You should rest some more, sounds like you could use it."

With those words, Flex put his head back down on the pillow, his blond hair looking tussled with sleep. Fury slowly turned back over, pain slowly receding from his head. He wished the cobwebs would do the same, He put his head back down and relaxed slowly. Flex's arm settled over his ribs, and thoughts of sleep vanished from his mind. He couldn't move or ask, he did not want to ruin the easy peace Flex, but what had happened? What did he not remember?

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Short and Sweet, enough to leave you wondering ;-)

So Much on my Mind

2008-08-11T23:58:00.008-04:00

Wow, what a day. I am not even sure what I have been doing most of the day. I got up and did laundry, and I did all the phone calls needed to for gas, power, internet, and phone for the new apartment. My friend Michelle called and we talked about computers as she plans to get a new one, so I looked up stuff online to build her a new computer.

I packed a couple boxes and cleaned up a little more for people coming over for the Pagan Circle meeting tomorrow. I just feel like my concentration has been completely gone and I have been sort of flitting from one thing to another and not quite focused on anything fully today. When I woke up I was having an anxiety attack. It was not a horrible one, not bad enough to a full blown panic attack, but I think it set the day up to leave me off balance.

I actually had read something on another person's blog that mention some specific questions about ritual and paganism. It is a subject that has come up several times in one way or another over the past couple years. Basically, the person was discussing the use and placement of candles and which color they should be and the correct time for the ritual.

While I do think that there are times that a ritual can have more strength to it due to the phase of the moon or the time of the year or other such things, overall I believe that most workings can be done pretty much any time. We use certain times of day or certain phases of the moon to help us with our focus, but when it comes down to it, it is based on intent.

This also goes into things such as candles or other items used for spellcrafting or for ritual purposes. A spell can be cast with nothing other then your mind and your will and your thoughts, then rest is just there to help you focus and direct your intent. They are symbols we use for sympathetic magics. High Magics that such as those in the Qabalah use various symbols for similar effect. The simple idea of "wishing on a star" is a very basic form of magic. The childhood poem, "Starlight, Starbright, Firt star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish, Get the wish I wish tonight," is a very basic spell.

As for setting up an altar, it can be done as simply or elaborately as money, time and space allows. Also, it can be done to your or your groups own tastes. I had a fellow pagan come into my house and she mentioned I didn't have an altar set up. I then proceeded to point out the altar that I had set up that was done almost entirely with crystals, then the one that was done with a mixture of stone and pewter figures of animals and mythical creatures, then one that was a mix of crystals and creatures that represented the elements and she started realizing that most of my apartment was set up as an altar of one type or another.

There was a time when I was very depressed that I spent a fair amount of time in psychiatric hospitals, and I was not allowed to bring in things one would normally have on an altar. This taught me to improvise a great deal, and I actually had a mini-altar that I packed for times that I went into hospitals. I had different colored stones for each element, a feather, and a couple of pictures. That was my altar, and there was no object in it that was a problem to bring into the hospital, so I could have it with me.

It is nice to be able to have things that are meaningful to you on an altar or in your rituals, but when it comes down to it, it really can be done inexpensively and easily. A wand can be a simple branch that you pick up on a walk in the woods, there is no real need to buy something elaborate and expensive. A figure of the Goddess or God can be a picture that you print on the computer or simply a candle. I use various stones for the elements all the time. Our Pagan group is talking about using a red dragon figure to represent the south on our altar because having a candle burning in the south where we reach across it makes some people nervous.

The limits of magic are our imaginations.

More About Me

2008-08-10T17:26:00.006-04:00

I have said a few things about myself in various posts, and in my bio, but I have been relatively vague about a lot about myself, other then my interest in writing and things that I am doing. I have also mentioned much of my beliefs, thoughts and philosophies. I suppose I should let you know some about my background and some of where my thinking process comes from.

I was born the last of six children. My parents had three boys and then three girls. It was also an abusive childhood, with my father being sexually abusive and my mother knowing it was happening but not stopping it. My mother was also abusive in other ways as she was the disciplinarian in the family and was very controlling. Many of the abuses from the mother were fairly subtle and hard to see, and it left me very confused.

Also, because of the way I handled the various abuses internally, it left me vulnerable to things outside of the home as well. This made school particularly difficult, and making friends was very hard for me and still is. I am very shy and have a hard time feeling like I fit in anywhere. Because of the various abuses that happened, I formed Dissociative Identity Disorder (more commonly known as Multiple Personality Disorder). Along with this, I also had some of the other problems which often came with it, including General Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

These were not found until after I was out of the abusive house, and it really had turned my life upside down. I was not able to function at work and the Depression had me suicidal and self destructive. That is why I am disability. It has been seventeen years, and I have improved a good deal.

In that period of time, one of the choices I made was to live as male instead of as female. I have not had any surgery due to the fact that I can't afford it and it is hard to get insurance to cover it, but I have been on testosterone, and between the changes from that as well as the way I act and speak, dress, etc. I generally am "pass" as male.

As you can guess, I have a lot of thoughts about gender an also sexuality as it relates to gender (I still am more interested in men, but consider myself bi-sexual with a preference to men). My general thought on a partner is that I am more interested in their personality then in their gender. I am also interested in abuse issues and morality, in general, because of my past.

Oh, as another note, I was brought up Roman Catholic, but when I was about seventeen or eighteen I chose to become pagan, because paganism made more sense to me then Christianity. I was rather anti-Christian for a time because of some negative experiences with the church and with Christians I had known, but I have grown to be accepting of the Christians themselves and judge them as people not as their religion. I still do not agree with many of the doctrines of the Catholic church, but this does not mean I do not like Catholics, it means I do not like the doctrines.

Wow, I am sure I could write several entries on just my thoughts on religion acceptance. This is enough for now, I think it gives a general overview about me. I purposely kept things rather vague.

Playing with Blog Theme

2008-08-08T19:31:00.003-04:00

So, I have been playing with my blog theme if you folks have been coming here, I think you would have noticed. I know a little html and have edited the code that I got from the Caz's site to add in a couple of things and take some out, but not a huge amount. I would actually like to play around with things a bit more, but some of my concerns with legal images and such.

I have found some places where I can get free pictures, so I can use that. As I like fantasy, it is fairly difficult to get photographs of fantasy creatures and most of the stock art is pretty sub-standard in my mind. So, the question is where to get fantasy or pagan themed art that would not be going against copyright violations if I used it. I actually do care to give credit to other artist where it is due, and wish to also show things that I post here legally as well (imagine that).

Is it strange to be so concerned about these things in this day and age? There are images online that people can download and do download on a regular basis. I do download some art and use if for solely for my own enjoyment (usually just to look at the pictures or as a background on my computer). To the best of my knowledge that is not using it in an illegal manner, as it is not using it publicly or for profit.

Is that line different for artwork then it is for music? I know many people who make music online and it completely free. If you look at many blogs and other forms of writing that people do online, many of them are for free as well. Although, I have heard that there are people that get paid for blogging. That must be rather nice.

I could deal with getting paid for blogging in some ways, I am just not sure if the general populace would find what I write about of any interest. I generally feel that most people don't like thinking much and since I spend a great deal of time ruminating about one thing or another in my posts it would not be of interest to them, but that might be me being cynical or egotistical or both.

I digressed again, didn't I? Where do people draw the line on what is "right" or "wrong" to download from the computer? I am saying if you put aside the laws, what is moral or not? Should Hollywood get paid as much as they do for the movies that they produce? Should popular musicians earn as much money as they do? For that matter should athletes be paid as they are?

Famous athletes often make an average of twenty million dollars a year or more. The highest paid actors can make that much per movie they are in. I have to wonder about people getting that kind of money when we are still people living on the streets and people who have no medical insurance. It makes me really question the whole idea of whether it is wrong to download a movie online when people are getting paid that much and I am living on disability myself.

Should people be denied art, music, movies and general enjoyment because they have a disability that makes them unable to work? It really makes one start to think about morals again. Then there is the whole question about buying a movie on DVD or music on a CD when you think of all of the packaging involved. So, where is the right or wrong?

Accomplishments

2008-08-07T21:45:00.004-04:00

Have I made any accomplishments on things I have needed to get done? Well, my softcover books are all packed that was one thing on my list. I have gotten in touch with the landlord about moving in on the Wednesday before the date I was set to move in, which in August 27th. That is the date that the main move should be happening. I might have other stuff that has to get moved on the weekend of the 30th-31st, but the bulk of stuff will be on that Wednesday.

I also talked to the old landlord so they know that I am moving out, and all that is settled. Oh, and I called the new landlord to set up an appointment hopefully this weekend to see the new apartment again, as I would like to get some measurements of the rooms to plan out the layouts of how I want to set things up. (Anal retentive? Who me?)

I dropped off the paperwork with the college and got results back from my English test, which I passed without any hint of doubt in their minds. I signed up for the English 120 course, since I now have the results from the test. Now, as long as Voc Rehab will fund things like they had originally said that they would, things should fall into place.

A large amount of the living room is actually packed at this point. I have about a bookshelf and a half worth of stuff left on the shelves. I have not taken down any art from the walls at this point as that will likely be moved by my friends instead of the movers. Maybe some can be moved by the movers. There are some knick knacks on some shelves as well. I also have both computer desks.

I can pack the back up computer and some things on the desk, and when it is closer to the move date, I will move the use computer to the small computer desk and take this desk apart. The next room I work on will be my bedroom. I have lots of "stuff" in my bedroom. I also have a bookshelf in the bedroom and the one in the kitchen. Did I mention having a lot of books?

Packing is progressing nicely though and I did get another collection of boxes today. My case worker had mentioned the idea of getting rid of some of my books and at first I balked at the idea, thinking about it now, there are a few that I could get rid of, just not a large amount. I like my books. There are a few reference books that I was given that I have never used, and likely never will. They are just not the type of thing I am generally interested in.

I am not sure if I can do much until I unpack for at least some of them though. Some I can take out beforehand though. I will need to get a shoehorn to fit all of this stuff into the new apartment I am sure.

Musical Answers

2008-08-07T01:58:00.000-04:00

This is a list of questions that someone posted on the Nerdfighters forums. The idea they had was to put your media player on random select and answer the questions with whatever song comes up. I actually went through and answered the questions with the song that I felt answered the question. I relate to music a great deal, and find that I can express myself better in song then I can in just words at times. I suppose this could a way to cheat writing feelings, but this is more a bonus post then anything, and it was something fun for me to do.

1. How am I feeling today? “Us of Lesser Gods” - Flogging Molly
2. Will I get far in life? “Regular Man” - Steve Earle
3. How do my friends see me? “Harvest of Sorrow” - Blind Guardian
4. Where will I get Married? “Olde Mill Inn” Blackmore's Night
5. What is my best friend's theme song? “Ordinary Day” - Great Big Sea
6. What is the story of my life? “The Unforgiven” -Metallica
7. What was high school like? “The Outcast” - Dropkick Murphies
8. How can I get ahead in life? “Here I Am” - Steve Earle
9. What is the best thing about me? “Wondrous Stories” - Yes
10. How is today going to be? “The Ghost of a Smile” -The Pogues
11. What is in store for you this weekend? “Everybody Took a Holiday” - Klaatu
12. What song describes my parents? “No Children” - The Mountain Goats
13. My grandparents? “Dead Man's Party” - Oingo Boingo
14. How is my life going? “Building Fires” - Michael Longcor
15. What song will they play at my funeral? “Green Fields of France” - Dropkick Murphies
16. How does the world see me? “Strange Animal” - Gowan
17. Will I have a happy life? “Lovecraft in Brooklyn”- The Mountain Goats
18. What do my friends really think of me? “Defender of the Child” - Heather Alexander
19. Do people secretly lust after me? “I Can't Dance” - Genesis
20. How can I make myself happy? “Albuquerque” - “Weird Al” Yankovich
21. What should I do with my life? “Seasons of Love' - RENT Soundtrack
22. Will I ever have children? “Throwing Stones” - Grateful Dead
23. What is some good advice? “Turn Around, Look Around” - Bill Roper
24. What is my signature dancing song? “Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy” -Queen
25. What do I think my current theme song is? “Consequence Free” - Great Big Sea
26. What does everyone else think my current theme song is? “Toy Soldiers” - Carbon Leaf
27. What type of men/women do you like? “Somebody” - Depeche Mode

As an addition to this post, I will add something else. If anyone has a question about any particular song and why I chose it or wants information about the song, they they post it in the comments. I will write about my reasoning and answer questions about the songs and about the artists or such if I have the information. I can also post links to lyrics for most of these songs. DFTBA!

ARGH!!!

2008-08-06T20:40:00.000-04:00

I had to think about that, was three exclamation points enough or did I need four there. I think three is enough for now. Next week, I will decide if I need four or not. I woke up today from a phone call from Voc Rehab, saying at this point they do not have enough of a plan for me to support me going to school. They need a more solid idea of what I want to do with an Associate's Degree in Liberal Arts for them to help pay for it.

This meant I stayed in bed later then I intended (it was also raining and gloomy outside), then dragged myself out of bed and looked up information on what I could do with my intended Liberal Arts degree. I found some information and mailed it to the counselor at Voc Rehab. It was four paragraphs of researched information that had some pieces of truth on things that hold an interest to me and some of them even have a possibility of happening with an Associate's Degree.

After I finished that, I did more packing and continued to be concerned about the dilemma of how many movers take how many hours to move the bulk of my stuff from my current apartment to my new apartment. In all truth, I am not sure how long it will take. I have no clue whatsoever. Okay, now that I distracted myself for a half an hour, I might have some of a clue.

The internet can be a wonderful thing. I looked up some information about moving costs and such. The general costs that it seemed to have for moving a two bedroom apartment estimated two people for two hours. It did not take into account things like the fact that the apartment I am living in now is on the third floor, so that will add some to things. I am guessing that I also have more then the average number of books. I could be wrong on that, but I somehow think that the estimate I had of three people for four hours is not unreasonable.

Anyways, as far as my packing has been going. I have most of my DVDs packed, and my books are slowly getting packed. I really do have a lot of books. I need to get the number of the new landlord and start making some phone calls tomorrow in a big way. So much to do, I need to make more lists! I will likely finish this off and make a list of what I need to do when I speak with the person from housing tomorrow.

Moving Sucks

2008-08-05T18:19:00.000-04:00

I have done a reasonable amount of packing today, but still not a huge amount. I am trying to pace myself with it. I am still not positive of my exact move date. I think the movers will be here on Wednesday the 27th, but I am not positive. I need to talk to the housing person and work on some details still. I also need to speak with her about my security deposit as well.

I am bad at trying to guess how much time it takes me to pack things and work that into things I have to do. I am just kind of making it up as I go along. As today was not swelteringly hot, I figured I would take advantage of that fact and the fact that I also had boxes on hand. I still have boxes unpacked, but I have done enough for a little while at least. I can do more later this eve, or wait until tomorrow.

I think things are packing up reasonable well so far. I still have a ton of things I have to do. I really need to get to the college and drop off some paperwork and check and see if they have the results of my test yet. Has it been only a week since I went to the college? I am so horrible with time. I just looked at the information I had gotten from FAFSA and I sent that in around the July 18th, so it has been around two weeks. My English test at the college should be graded by now.

Well, I think I am going to go and try to de-stress a bit. Moving, School, School and Moving! EEPS!!!

My Weekend

2008-08-04T14:20:00.000-04:00

As you may or may not have noticed, I have not written in a couple days. The reason for this was that I was away for the weekend. My brother took me to Pittsfield, NH on Saturday for a Hot Air Balloon Rally. Sadly, the weather was pretty lousy and the balloons stayed packed in trucks, so we never saw them. We had a passing thunderstorm that was pretty impressive.

While the balloons did not go up, we did get to enjoy some of the fair atmosphere. I ate large quantities of fried food, including part of a blooming onion, some chicken fingers, yummy french fries, and, of course, fried dough. My brother, sister, three of her children and I rode the storm out in my sister's mini-van, and then we wandered around a bit more until the fireworks, that were not canceled.

The fireworks were actually rather impressive also. They lasted about fifty minutes and were timed at least to some degree with music played over the loudspeaker system. The music varied from Rammstein to John Cougar Mellancamp to a classical piece to Johnny Cash. They also seemed to have about four finales; just when we would think they were over, there would be more. This picture is one that my brother Joe took.

Sunday, we had a cookout at the campground where my brother was staying with his RV (I spent two nights in the RV). We had a little rain during it, but it wasn't too bad. Well, it may have been at one point, but I was asleep during it if it was. My digestive system and I had another argument. I have IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), and it basically sucks when it decides to flare up.

We did have a fun time with the cookout also though, we had some bratwurst and later on had S'mores. I may have eaten more if my digestive system was not arguing with me. Never did get to eat the chicken sausage, and that makes me kind of sad. Over all, I had a great time. It was nice to see family, especially Joe. I also got to see my nephews and my newest niece. I wish my sister Diane could have been there too.

Anti-Christian Sentiments

2008-08-01T15:55:00.000-04:00

I was just reading the Nerdfighter forum and saw something that really bothered me. There was someone that started a thread about looking for Christian Nerdfighters to talk to about being Christian and God. They also added if their were any non-Christian Nerdfighters that wanted to talk about the Bible or God also they could be involved as well.

The first response was that it was the record time that it took for the person to hate the poster. The following threads were almost all posts that were also anti-Christian and various levels of insults and then completely hi-jacking the conversation. While I am not Christian myself, I respect that Christians have the right to their own beliefs even if I do not agree with them myself. I also believe that if you want to reach out to someone who has a belief that you do not agree with, the method to reach them is not by attacking them. It solves nothing.

Attacking someone and being rude and hating them for their beliefs also goes against what being a Nerdfighter is all about to me. Being a Nerdfighter is about accepting differences in people, usually because you have come from a place where you are seen as different and know how it feels to be treated so. I was really saddened to see this blatant disregard for another persons feelings on the forums.

As I said, I do not think that attacking another person for their beliefs is a way to help them change their beliefs if anything, it will strengthen them. It will give the person a feeling of surpassing worthiness by proving that they are "morally superior" to a person that is rude and shows hate to someone attempting to reach out and be friendly. My guess is that the people saying these things are just proving to themselves their own personal strength, but they lack the foresight to see the results of their words and how others see them.

I did make a reply to the post, because I feel that it is important to do what I can when I can. It may not be much and I might get attacked for it, but perhaps the person will think some for me having posted something. If not, I at least tried and feel better for doing my own part. All that each person can do is work with their limited means.

I have seen fundamentalism in many forms and it always saddens me. Most people complain about fundamentalist Christians, but I have also seen pagans that are fundamentalists as well. The attitudes are the same, "my way is right and it is not possible that any other way is right so you are all wrong." Fundamentalism in any form is still fundamentalism.

Living in the New England area, I have seen more then a couple fundamentalist pagans. I have seen a great deal of hypocrisy as well. The Wiccan Rede "And Ye Harm None, Do As Ye Will," is an interesting rule to look at. For those who may need a translation, it basically says, as long as no one is harmed (in any way, that also means controlled against their will and such), you can do pretty much what you want. I have been involved with some rather judgmental pagans that complained because they had an open circle, and the people that came to the circle were uncomfortable because the circle was in an enclosed area and all of the people except for the two of them were smokers.

Smoking, in general, is braking the Wiccan Rede, because people know they are harming themselves by smoking and they also know that the second hand smoke can cause harm to others. Now, even if they do not smoke around non-smokers at all, harming none should include yourself. Just my thoughts on the subject. Sorry about the rant.

Music in Writing

2008-07-30T18:49:00.000-04:00

I have some rather eclectic tastes in music and it can vary from anything from folk and regional music to heavy metal to country to A Capella to Celtic to punk. I also have a tendency to find rather obscure bands that many people have never heard of. Music has always been important to me, as it is a valuable tool for expression. There are some song that are so poignant that they help explain things that I could not find the words for before.

As such, I have often felt the urge to put a few quotes of song lyrics or if nothing else song titles into some of what I am writing. This has me wondering as to the legalities of doing so. I am guessing that just listing a song title and artist would be okay, as I am giving credit to the artist. I am not sure if there are legal ramifications for quoting other lyrics if I also give credit to the artist and keep the lyrics limited.

I think it would be neat to write a book where each chapter was given the name of either a song or the lyrics to a song. Of course, with some of the songs that I know, I could come up with some rather interesting chapter title. As an aside, I am slowly getting nearer to my goal of being able to make a cd with songs with about cows. (no, I don't know why I want to make a cd with songs about cows, but I have some really fun cow songs). If anyone has any cow songs that they can suggest, please let me know.
So, How was that for a digression?

Lists

2008-07-29T20:11:00.000-04:00

So, I mentioned lists yesterday. I make lots of lists, as I tend to worry about forgetting things. Likely, because in the past I have forgotten things a great deal. Also, when I become more stressed, I tend to forget things (that and buy office supplies).

My lists tend to include things varying from normal things like a grocery list or a budget to songs I want to put on a cd. They can also be things I need to do or want to look up on the computer, notes I have to write, things I need to do before I leave for a trip. Not that I am ever obsessive compulsive or anything. I just realized that I like putting in emoticons when I write in here, and I think I would like to stop doing that, because I am not sure it is a good place for me to use them. If this is practice for me to work on serious writing, I should not use tools that I would not use in normal published works.

Well, back to my lists. I need to write up at least one list or two. One of those is things that I need to do before I move. Also, there are things I need to do for school, and other things coming up. So, without further ado, The List!!

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1. Finish packing softcover books by Sunday (provided I have enough boxes)
2. Call SNHU (college) and give them the paperwork that I need to leave them from Voc Rehab
3. Call the new Landlord and ask about moving my stuff in the weekend of August 30-31
4. Call Verizon to have my internet switched over (and phone line)
5. Call Vonage to have the phone transferred correctly
6. Go to Post Office for Change of Address
7. Contact Banks with Change of Address
8. Contact SNHS with Change of Address
9. File Change of Address with DMV
10. Contact Social Security with Change of Address
11. Contact PSNH (electricity) about changing power)
12. Contact SNHU about CLEP test for Into to IT
13. Do more packing and get more boxes (of course)
13. Go to the college and sign up for class in mid-August
14. Contact Health and Human Services about change of address
15. Visit the new apartment and get measurements to try and figure out general placement of things and how I am going to make things fit (yea, so I am a bit OCD)
16. Neaten up apartment for brother visiting
17. Cook snacks for people visiting next Monday
18. Breathe...
19. Arrange for whatever help I can to actually move stuff

I am sure I will think of more later... there is always more.

Missed a Day

2008-07-28T18:15:00.000-04:00

Yes, I did miss a day and did not post yesterday. I figure I do need a break now and then, and since last week was so frantically busy, I decided that after the Lughnasadh ritual, that I would take some time and just relax. The ritual was nice and relaxed. Outside of our core group of four people, we only had two other people show up. I was not particularly concerned about there not being more of them though. I liked that it was small.

We cast the circle and then I did the reading I posted a couple days ago. After that, I played the song "John Barleycorn" by Steeleye Span and we danced the circle to raise some energy. Then there was a blessing of cakes and cider (not ale, cause of any younger folk who might be there). We used a cornbread I had made (and have leftovers of, which sound yummy about now). Then the Priestess did a blessing over some microwave popcorn (we were being inventive and fun), and we all got some blessed popcorn to take home with us. We opened the circle and then went to the dining room for snacks and drinks.

One of the people who was new, enjoyed things and has asked to come to our regular meetings, the next of which is at my apartment, which will be in disarray, since I am packing to move. What am I saying? My apartment is already in disarray. I have the long bookshelf of brick and board shelves packed in boxes now. That is A-G and some of H of my softcover fantasy collection. Yes, I have my books alphabetical by author, and within that they are in order by release date unless they are in a series, then series come first then release date.

I should get some more things packed as well. Maybe I should pack up the stuff in my closet since I barely go in there, especially in the summer. I have so much stuff! I do have over a month to pack still. I am just going to need tons more boxes though. I got 15 boxes today. I have six banana boxes that are empty also, and might have some other boxes I can fiddle with. If you haven't guessed, I have entirely too much to do, and I tend to get slightly obsessive with worrying about all of it.

Maybe you can be excited tomorrow as I make lists of all the things I need to do for the move. I am a list person. I make lots of lists. I should likely get rid of some of my accumulated stuff. I am sure that there is just some that I don't need, and is just taking up space, which I will have less of in the new place. I guess I will figure out what I am doing as I pack.

Lughnasadh

2008-07-26T18:23:00.000-04:00

The pagan group I am involved with at the Unitarian Universalist Church I am involved in is doing a circle for Lughnsadh tomorrow and I had to do a write up to describe what Lughnasadh (also called Lammas) was about. So I wrote it out and actually have an edited version. I get to read this at the circle tomorrow. Eeek!! I have no idea how many people will be there.

The name Lughnasadh (Loo-nahs-ah) was taken from the Celtic Sun God Lugh, but the celebration is mainly a grain festival, sometimes called the Sabbat of the First Fruits. Native Americans would honor the Corn Grandmother and called it the Festival of Green Corn. Barley, wheat, and corn are all ready to be picked by August, as are many other crops in the northern hemisphere.

Lughnasadh is the first of the the Harvest Sabbat (Mabon and Samhain being the other two). It marks the middle of Summer and marks the beginning of the harvest cycle which relies heavily early crops of ripening fruits, vegetables and grains that are all ready to be harvested. it is therefore greatly associated with bread, as grain is one of the first crops to be harvested. Pagans give thanks to all the Gods and Goddesses of Harvest, as well as those who represent Death and Resurrection.

At this time of year, it was traditional to have great feasts to celebrate the first successful harvest and generous libations, offerings of food and drinks, would be given to the deities as thanks for the banquet. It was from these harvests that they would eat through the upcoming Winter. As they would celebrate and give thanks for to the Earth for its' bounties and beauty, so it is with us today.

As the Summer passes, we remember its warmth and gifts to us in the that we eat. Every meal is an act of attuning with Nature, and we are reminded of the constant change in the Universe.

Thunderstorms

2008-07-25T17:55:00.000-04:00

My writing prompt today was to answer the question "How do you feel during a thunderstorm?" Normally, I would have an easy time writing this, but today my feelings are a bit mixed. The reason for the mixed emotions is fairly simple, there was a tornado that swept through part of New Hampshire yesterday. While this is not a thunderstorm, we were also having the thunder and lightning that tends to go along with tornado.

Warning: Digression in Progress! Okay, now there are a few tornadoes in New Hampshire's history, but not many. Weather is so messed up lately. We did not really have a Spring; we had Winter then Summer, no season in between. It was the same with Autumn last year. It was in the 90's in October, and then the temperature plummeted in November and we had snow for Thanksgiving. I used to like New England because of the season changes, but no there are just two seasons: hot and snow. Bush is finally saying that there is a climate change, I think I am going to faint now. /end digress

Anyways, with the tornado, there was one death and a great deal of property damage. I am saddened by the loss of life, and for those that have lost their homes and are without power. I have some fear of natural disasters, tornadoes being one of them. I also think that many of the weather and planetary shifts happening currently are due to things that man has done, which saddens me all the more.

I am glad that many people are beginning to take steps to improve some of the damage we have done. It is also an interesting thought realizing that the earth itself does not need us to save it. Because, if we all die off, the world will continue without us. What is really needed is for us to preserve our home. This is the one home we have, and if we destroy it, unless we get really creative really quickly, we are not going to get another one. Darn! I digressed again!

Back to weather... I actually really enjoy thunderstorms. I love to watch lightning and find it beautiful and fascinating. Summer storms are exhilarating to me, the thunder rumbling brings on images of ancient gods. I can see why so many cultures relate to thunder and lightning to deities; there is so much power and wonder involved with a cloudburst. I could stare at the sparks of electricity dance across the sky for hours. The fact that it is so changeable is one of the things that draws me to the sky during a storm.

Cheater!!!

2008-07-24T18:24:00.000-04:00

No, I am not calling you a cheater. I am a cheater, and I am even admitting it. See, I could have gotten away with it and not even told you that I was cheating and you never would have known, but I am too darned honest. So, as punishment for trying to cheat before I even had a chance to do it, I am making myself do both of the things I was going to do. Ha! So there, that is what you getting for trying to cheat, me!!

To explain to the person reading this who has no idea what is going on in my head, or to explain to myself when/if I go back to read this and say, "What the hell was I talking about?" I will fill you in. I had two thoughts on what I could do today. I could just write about my trip to the Museum of Science today (in four part harmony), or do another writing exercise.

This sneaky little part of my brain perked up at that particular moment and said, "You know, you can use your number roll and decide if it is something you want to write about first. That way if you roll and it is something you don't like you can just say to yourself that you just wanted to write about the museum trip anyways."

I rolled and found that I liked the topic, and then the ethical part of my mind said, "But wait, isn't that cheating it to do it that way? That is not a fair way to do things; you should be more honest about it to your readers and to yourself." While there was the temptation to throttle that little voice, it was also true. The sneaky part of my brain may have gotten away with not doing the writing exercise if it was something I really didn't want to do, but that is just between you and me, right?

I will start with the trip to the Boston Museum of Science. It may take a moment to gather my thoughts and decide whether I should tell you about actually being in the museum, or the actual trip to and from the museum.

As a nerd, I have an appreciation for museums, especially one dedicated to science. Sadly, I did not have much time to actually explore in the museum. The Museum of Science in Boston is three floors high and separated into three sections. We were given about two and a half an hours to see all of this. I saw maybe one third of the museum, preferring quality of the time there over quantity.

That was my time in the museum. The trip to get there and back was a bit over an hour each way, and my company for the trip was dubious to say the least. At one point there was a person who seemed sure that he knew huge amounts about science and just about everything else also. He spent a fair amount of time talking about the science involved with information from Star Trek books he had. Now mind you, I love Star Trek, but a good deal of the science is much more on the imaginary side of things then real science.

The conversation with him started because I was reading a book in The Vampire Earth series by E. E. Knight. He also enjoyed talking immensely, and did not like to stop talking. For the most part this was tolerable, but when he started talking about Dungeons and Dragons and suggesting that they were responsible for ritual sacrifices that did start to irritate me quite a bit. There also seemed to be no line between pagan and satanist in his mind, so I not even insert any of my own knowledge on the subjects, as it was obvious to me that, in his own mind, he knew everything and would not be dissuaded.

Another one of the people I met was one who just liked to randomly blurt things out at volume that have little or no consequence to the rest of the world. So, more or less he talked to himself. Now, when I am alone, I may talk to myself or my cat or my computer. I do tend to reserve these conversations mostly for when I am alone, though, and they tend to be of a higher caliber then what I was hearing.

I did bring a book with me as I mentioned, but I find it difficult to read when people are talking loudly at or around me. I was having a difficult time concentrating, so I barely got any reading done on the trip and have a headache now.

Writing Exercise: My Epitaph
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I stand at the edge of a precipice, a familiar feeling rising in my depths. This primal fear of heights haunts me. Does no one see me here, hanging on the edge of oblivion? I have but one purpose in life, if I am broken it will all be lost. I would have no reason to go on. Why will no one see me here?

It would only take a careless push, a slip. It is all so senseless. Please, don't leave me here alone! You must see me and help! I can already see it happening, the vision plays over and over. I fall to lie broken and shattered on the ground below. As much as I try to make myself stop seeing it, I cannot push the image away.

When it does happen, it seems to last forever. A hand reaches, but misses in its hold. I slip from fingers reach, tip forward and fall. Falling seems to last a lifetime, then the impact. Shattered. Liquid splatters, like blood. I hear a wail as things begin to fade.

"Jimmy, don't cry over spilled milk," I hear the mother say to her son.

"I am not crying for the milk, mommy. I am crying for the glass."

Ah, my epitaph.

(The exercise was to write something from the point of view of a glass on the edge of a table, I did not want to give the store away by telling you that before I started though. Did the story work?)

Haiku

2008-07-23T22:00:00.001-04:00

After a hideously long day, I am escaping into haiku in my blog! Muahaha! It is almost like cheating, but not quite. I did write one as i was purely inspired in answering a post on a forum, I will write at least a couple more though...

Cat waking at night
Scratchings of sandpaper tongue,
Oh, elusive sleep.

Nerdfighters unite
Don't forget to be awesome
And decrease world suck!

Music in the air
Resplendently echoes from walls
Words bite like acid.

Lightning strike flashes
Thunder clap shakes through the house
Power flickers, dies.

Okay, that part about the lightning was inspired by a storm outside, I am taking that as a sign that I should get off the computer. Sorry for short posts two days in a row. I will try to be better tomorrow. I have a trip to Boston to go to the Museum of Science, though. Hopefully, I won't be too late.

College Admission

2008-07-22T19:48:00.000-04:00

Well, went to the college today and filled out my application today. I also took a test to test out of the remedial math class, which I passed (yay me!!), as well as, the same for Writing Fundamentals. That one they need to send to someone to grade it, as a large part of it was writing an essay. It will be scored on composition, comprehension, and grammar, and I will get a pass or fail grade. There was also a brief grammar test that went with it as well. If I was able to take the math test and pass, even though I did not have time to finish it and circled random answers for the last three out of thirty questions, I am pretty confident I scored well enough to pass the writing.

I have had some practice writing recently, which is to my advantage, and my voculary is reasonable. I also had a decent idea about what I was writing about, so that helped. The academic advisor I spoke to seemed impressed that I was ready and willing to take both of the tests right then and there. I might also see if I can CLEP out of the Intro to Internet Technology class. Seeing as I built my own computer, downloaded and use Open Office, and several other programs, and have some skill in making periodicals since I basically taught myself how to do it, I think my IT skills are at or passing basic levels.

So, things I still need to do are go back to Voc Rehab and take their Able Exam and bring back the computer skill form they had for me. I need to send out information to get transcipts from my former schools for the university I am going to. In Mid-August I need to bring in the form with which class or classes I want to enroll in, one class per term is half time, but their terms are short.

Well, the page is coming down for maintenece soon, so I am off for now. Time to pass out from stress ;-)

Another Writing Exercise

2008-07-21T16:19:00.000-04:00

Well, I chose another writing exercise, and used the random number generator method again, and am sort of regretting it. This was from a different website. Yea, so it is for elementary school, I just noticed, but it does not mean that some of the ideas are actually not good ones for adults also. I had read through some of them, and they seemed to be some rather mature subjects.

The reason I have regrets is the subject I got was "When are you happiest?" So, you say, what is the big deal about writing about when you are happy? The problem is that I have this habit of disconnecting from my feelings a lot of the time., and I tend to do it more when I am happy then when I am upset it seems. Yes, I know that may sound odd, but that is just the way it is. If you are happy about something, it can be taken away. If you don't show you are happy, then no one knows you care.

I am beginning to notice some things that I like and make me feel some happiness. I have always loved music and music can take me away, can make me laugh or smile or cry. So, music does make me happy, but does music make me my happiest? Likely not. I enjoy my computer games and joking around with people online.

I like the pagan group I am involved with at the church and I like our circles. I enjoy writing, but it is also work much of the time. I like being able to talk about my thoughts and feelings about things that are important to me. I can really get into curling up under a nice warm blanket in the autumn with a good book my cat lying near me purring.

Those are all comforting things that I enjoy, but that is almost like saying I enjoy a good meal or movie. They are really temporary. Maybe it is a delusion I have, but I think happiness especially something that makes me my happiest should be something that is longer lasting. Something more meaningful. I think it goes back to my feeling of not belonging, of always not quite fitting in any group that I want to fit into. I could never fit in with the popular people, and I seemed like I never really fit right in any of the fringe groups either.

I felt like I was not smart enough to fit in with the geeks, and even when I was in cross country, there was no way I could fit in with the jocks. Could not fit with the goths or any crowd I tried to fit in with. I always felt like I was on the outside. I guess that is why I like the gaming community, I feel like I have a place there. I pretty much become an officer in most of the guilds I get into.

So, I have to say that what makes me happiest is a feeling of belonging to a greater whole outside of myself. This was a long way around to get to this point. It is what I like about Nerdfighters, too. It is an online community that is all about acceptance of others in spite of their differences and working to make the world as a better place for everyone. For that matter, it is what I like about the Unitarian Universalist Church.

On Lolcats

2008-07-20T18:18:00.000-04:00

Taking a break from creative writing for a day to talk about a subject that came to me. Yes, as the subject suggests, it is about lolcats. Now, while on one hand, I do find that there is some humor value in some of the pictures and captions on pages like icanhascheezburgher.com what bothers me is the fact that people actually write in "lol" in their comments and so forth. This really bothers me.

Illiteracy in the US is incredibly high. In 2003, it was found that at least one third of the population in the United State did not have enough literacy to be able determine the dosages of medications written on a prescription bottle. Now, we have whole subcultures that are purposely spelling words wrong and dumbing down language.

I enjoy computer gaming. When I play online games, there are some times that I use some common used phrases to shorten that I am typing: afk for away from keyboard, brb for be right back, or lol for laughs out loud. I may even use wb for welcome back. Also, place names in games get shortened in games most times, cause who really wants to spell out something like Eiglophian Mountains, much less remembers the correct spelling of it (so you know, I had to look up the correct spelling to add it here).

I can accept a certain amount of shortening of words in sentences and such, as it is hard to type and do many other things at once. It does bother me that many people will end up typing sentences that begin to look more like this "gz on yr nw swrd itz rly swt cnt wait til im ur lvl" which would translate into written english as "Congratalations on your new sword, it's really sweet, I can't wait until I am your level." I would like to think that I was making up that people actually write like that, but some of them do. I, thankfully, can usually avoid them and hang out with people who type moderately understandable sentences, even with a typo or two. I can even deal with misspellings here and there, even if it is not a typo, not everyone is a vocabulary nerd.

It makes me fear for our future when I see people who cannot or worse choose to ignore their literacy and write in barely coherent sentences. I also see the same behavior in many American made comedies. I do not find them at all humorous, I just find them moronic and banal. We have movies that make icons out of idiots. This makes me question the integrity of this country.

This country needs more people that actually are willing to apply their intelligence and are willing to do what it takes to change things for the better. We need more integrity, wisdom, acceptance, and we need to worry about taking care of our own problems before we worry about what other countries are doing. We can not fight against terrorism. There is not a way to make everything safe. We take care of our environment, our education, our homeless people, our veterans, our domestic violence, our abused children, our prejudices and equal rites for every person in this country, and our fiscal responsibilities. After we do all that, then we spread, not our war, but our kindness and love to others. Then I will be happy.

Scoffing Sun

2008-07-19T17:20:00.000-04:00

After yesterday's experiment with a creative writing exercise, I decided to try that again. This time my prompt was to write about a "Scoffing Sun." Well, here it goes.

Talib left the town quietly during the heat of the noon day sun. The light reflected on his shaven black head, his fine toned body already covered with a thin layer of sweat. He was leaving behind all he knew, but could not stand to follow the ways of the Snake-worshipers any longer. The city slept behind him, silent under the harsh day. His people were wise to the ways of the desert and saved their energies by sleeping through the hottest hours of the day.

"No," he whispered to himself, "no longer my people." They were murderers who would kill for the powers of the magics that they wielded, but would also kill to keep those who were born into lower castes in their place. Only those of noble blood were allowed to rise in society, those who were born to poverty were kept in place with whips and chains and constant threats of death.

Talib himself was of the noble class, he was not running from the fear of death, in fact, he was more likelt running to his death. No, he was running for a freedom from the scoiety that held him trapped. He had no desire to rule over others, to hold the choice to end their lives. In fact, if he had the choice, he would rather heal their wounds and destroy all the images of the Snake-God Set and all the serpents that roamed freely on the streets.

He wished heartily that he could free all of those held in captivity, but most were held in thrall. The last person he had tried to help had actually been thankful whenTalib had found that the man's brother had been fed to a snake, saying it was a blessing would bring fortune to his family.
That was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back.

Talib looked out over the water that surrounded the city and stifled again the despair of the task he had set for himself. It was better to be dead then have his heart and soul trapped in this awful place. The horses and camels were under constant guard and even if he did manage to get one loose, it would provoke action much sooner then him leaving directly, all he could do was swim. It would give him the most time.

With his meager supplies strapped across his back, he slipped into the water and struck out to the north. The water was refreshing on his dark skin, a nice relief from the full day's heat. His strokes across the water started strong, but as the the pack on his back grew heavier and he started to feel the natural current of bay the trek became more difficult. Still, he continued, though arms began to feel made of lead and legs made of rubber. He changed from a crawl stroke to a side stroke then breast stroke, anything to vary the pain in his arms. Looking to the shore, it still seemed impossibly far away.

"Don't stop, just swim," he said in his mind, now doing a side stroke, "and breathe," he reminded his laboring lungs. He was struck by a temptation to let loose the weight on his back, causing more drag and pulling him down. Without it, when he reached the desert lands on the other side of the bay, the heat would kill him as surely as drowning. "Drowning was a better way to die," the logical part of his mind said and on he swam.

A glance forward told him that his goal was actually getting closer. He might actually make it to the shore. One last agonizing push that took a lifetime, and he was there, panting on the shore. Talib dragged off his pack and laid his head on it until his breathing became somewhat normal. All the while, the scoffing sun blazed down upon him.

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And that is that at least for now ;-)

That story was inspired by my character in Age of Conan which is the MMO I am currently playing.

Writing Exercise

2008-07-18T17:59:00.000-04:00

Okay, I decided to try something else new today as a challenge to myself. As I said in the sidebar, one of the challenges that I face is trying to be creative in my writing when I am typing rather then writing things out by hand. Now, most of what I have written so far has been fairly analytical. It is my thoughts on things and while there is a creative element to it, the subject remains mostly on the intellectual side of my head and not the creative.

As such, I have this exercise. I bookmarked a few websites in which I could get some writing ideas in case I wanted some inspiration on something to write on. As of yet, I have had plenty of things pop into my head, but I wanted to have contingency plans for when my brain was feeling squishy. Anyways, I went to one of those pages for creative writing prompts and then used a random number generator to roll between the 1 and 302 option that were on the page. I came up with 162, which says to write a poem using the phrases "a culture of solitude," faithful blue sky," and "where we still discover." I am tweaking it slightly and plan to write a story, but I suppose I can write a poem as well, if that would follow the rules better.

Poem first (I find poetry fairly easy for me, I do no believe that poetry has to rhyme, just touch upon our feelings, usually in a concise manner.)

We all stand under the same faithful blue sky,
Many people together but still worlds apart
Torn and shattered by strife and discontent
Eyes shaded from the harsh sun's light
Illuminating a bleak and heartless future
Torn by war, a culture of solitude.

Voices rise from our despair, cries for peace
Gathering in strength and in heart
We call for hope and courage and change
To look forward to a better tomorrow
For ourselves and our children
In a place where we still discover love.

From Islands We Are

I was always separate from others, even surrounded by people. It was like I carried inside myself an island of my very own. This was my land, my refuge, my rock. While this island kept me from being harmed by others, it also kept me alone. I lived my own way, a culture of solitude, locked away from harm.

There was one thing on this island that set me free and gave me company and comfort. That one thing was my books. I would be surrounded my them, and raise them like walls around me. I could not see others through them, nor could they see me. It was a perfect screen to the world. In these books, I found my friends, and I was free. I would fly with dragons, ride on unicorns, travel to through space and through time.

In time though, my wall of books grew higher and blocked out the faithful blue sky. The light to see the cherished pages grew dim, and I began to realize that I was lost in the maze of the books that surrounded me with no friends to help me out. My island had become a prison which I did not know how to escape.

Slowly, I began to make my way through the pages that had been my life, and gathered pieces together. I tentatively reached out to others, and found how hard it was to build up what was never there: a bridge into that other world where people were. Although it was scary, I kept going, reaching out. Many times, my gestures of friendship were slapped aside or ignored outright, but I was ever so slowly making progress.

I learned that their were others like me, who were trapped within themselves. People who were shy but actually did care about others and would not push me away because I was different. So, I gathered with this group of outcasts, those who were not afraid to be themselves even if they were diverse in there backgrounds and tastes and ages. We all shared within ourselves a common dream. We dreamed of a place where we still discover ways to be ourselves and be strong even if society tried to push us all onto our own little islands.

A Day in the Life

2008-07-17T17:15:00.000-04:00

No big theme today, just going to talk about my day and a few things random things most likely, cause I always have random things that come up when I write. I tend to "think out loud" in my writing.

Anyways, on with the news! I saw my case manager yesterday and told her how I was pretty discouraged about my visit with Voc Rehab last month, and her suggestion was to basically start small with things. So, I went into my appointment today and he had received information from my therapist, who had given me a recommendation to go to school. Also, the person at Voc Rehab also had the results of some of the testing that I had done as well which suggested that I was interested in things that were creative, like writing (well, I could have told him that last time I saw him), and it happened to fit wonderfully into my plan.

So, I bring out my nice little paper that says Liberal Arts, Associates of Arts, and I say brightly, "Well, yes, I have been interested in writing for a long time, and one of the things that interested my in ministry was the creativity involved in writing sermons." Now, an Associates is a much smaller goal then my eventual goal of a Masters in Divinity, and the guy in Voc Rehab was much happier and able to swallow that idea. So, I have made PROGRESS!!

I came home and called the university I am interested in that has the degree I am interested in, and filled out my FAFSA to see what financial aid is available to me. I filled out some more paperwork for Voc Rehab and I am a few steps closer to being able to take some college classes in the fall. I have an appointment on Tuesday to go to the local branch of the university and talk to administration.

*does his happy dance*

Well, the other thing I wanted to talk about some was a movie I saw last night. Now, the movie itself was, well, it was one that likely takes a querky taste in movies or point of view to appreciate. The movie is called "Hewdwig and the Angry Inch" if anyone is interested in it. It is about a transexual in the music business, and I will leave most of the details out.

The reason I bring it up is because she brought up an interesting idea about love, sexuality, and gender. There is a song in the movie called "The Origin of Love" which describes people as being joined at first. All people used to have four legs and four arms and one head with a face on each side. There were the Children of the Sun who were born with both of the parts being male, and the Children of the Earth who were born all female, and then there were the Children of the Moon who were born half female and half male.

It was like this until God got angry at them and split all of them into halves of the whole they were. From then love was created as people spent time trying to find the other half to make themselves whole again. It did not matter if the other half was male or female, it was what completed them and made them feel like they were a whole being.

Now I see this as the simple form where there is the attraction general attraction between same sex partners or partners of the opposite sex, but I also see something deeper as well. I see that split from a person that was originally a Child of the Moon, and that person may not feel right being one gender or another or that they are the wrong gender completely.

None of this is based on anything factual, I know, but I liked the imagery. I do know that there is factual evidence that shows that many transgendered people are genetically a mix and that some have been born as hermaphodites. I have not been tested to see what my own genetics say about me, I just know where I am comfortable.

My beliefs

2008-07-16T15:31:00.000-04:00

I saw something on another blog about the Mother God, and religious beliefs and thought I would touch some on what I believe. I like to believe that I am very open and accepting of other people's beliefs, and in that when I formed my own spirituality, I left it open in such a way that it allowed for others beliefs to fit into it.

One of the things I think I should start with is some of my personal definitions of spirituality and religion. I see spirituality is a person's personal connection with a power outside of themselves. I leave the definition of that power very fuzzy on purpose. I define religion as a community that gathers together and hold a similar creed, doctrine, or belief system to connect with that which is divine.

Now, with religion, the people gathering do not all have to share the same belief in the same form of this external form of divinity. In fact, in most cases, I think many people have very different ways in which they see a supreme being or beings. Some may see Jesus, some may see Mary, some may see a trinity, and there are those who may see the Greek or Roman pantheon of deities. If their belief is that all people are equal and that all people deserve to worship their God or Gods in the way that they chose, then that is a religion.

Okay, now to my own beliefs I belong to a Unitarian Universalist Church. There was a time in my life not long ago that I never though I would belong to a church again, but the UU church actually was something that I could accept because it allowed me to keep my beliefs. The basic premise in the UU church is that we are tolerant of other people no matter thier race, gender, age, sexual orientation, and what thier personal beliefs are. they invite people to continue to search for thier own beliefs and grow spiritually without telling you what you *should* believe. It stands for justice and acceptance of others, telling us that we are all connected.

Well, it is all well and good that I belong to a church that is accepting of what I believe in, but what do I actually believe? I use the word pagan to describe myself. I suppose neo-pagan is a more accurate description. The word pagan originally meant "country-dweller." The religious meaning of it being a non-Christian came from the fact that those who lived further from the cities (in rural areas) were more spread out, so it was harder to teach them Christianity and convert them from a polytheistic religion.

Neo-paganism today often have people who practice various forms of wicca (also called witchcraft or wiccacraft). Wicca is not a form of harmful magics, in fact one of its main rules is "And ye harm none, do as ye will." A brief translation meaning, you can do as you want as long as you don't do anything harmful to anyone, this includes things like the imfamous love spells that are so often spoken of, because you are trying to force your will on someone else.

So, as a pagan, I believe in more then one deity. Many pagans will believe in deities from one pantheon (ie Egyptian deities like Bast, Anubis, Horus, Isis, etc) or will chose deities from several, or even from all of them. Many also chose patron deities that they feel more of a connection towards. I have formed a Pantheon that consists of archetypes. Most Pantheons have archetypes that are repeated themes. One of the easiests examples of this would be death; Egyptians have Anubis, Greeks have Thanatos, Celts have the Morrigan.

I take these repeated themes and make that my pantheon. From the dieties that repeat, I believe that there are male and female aspects of each one. Now, I also believe that religion is very personal, my deities have personal names. So, Death has names that I have given to Death. Justice has names that I have given to Justice. Now that does not mean that the name Thanatos or Anubis or Tyr or Odin or Hecate or Jesus is not a valid name for a deity. I just means that is the name I use personally in my mind. I can also do a ritual in a group and use other names, but hold the form of my deity in my mind.

Now to my pantheon, and there is a balance in my pantheon of male and female. Now these male and female are also able to join together into a sort of hermaphrodite form as another balance, and from there all the balance can join together and become One God who is many but one. So, we have something that fits in the many God and the one God theories. Now, as for the no God theory, this one God is everything, s/he is science and nature and life.

Okay, now that I have said something about my beliefs. There is one thing I will say about some of the pagans that I have met that have bothered me. Actually, let me take that back a step. Some people of all religions that bother me, and there is one thing specific to pagans. One thing about all religions that bothers me is fundamentalism. I do understand holding to your beliefs. I understand working for your beliefs. It bothers me when a person does not respect another persons beliefs though, and when a person is so closed that they will not see any other possibility, As soon as a person believes they have all the answers, they stop learning. In case anyone is wondering, yes, I have met fundamentalist pagans.

As to my little gripe with pagans specifically, I believe in the balance between God and Goddess. I think that the balance between them is important. One of the things that I have seen in some cases is that the Goddess is heavily honored and the God is just sort of there. I do understand that for many people part of paganism is taking back power as women, or being in touch with feminine nature, but it should not be at the cost of balance. I have used the reasoning that the existence of a Goddess makes sense on the creation of life and the world, because you need both female and male to create life. Let's not forget that it does take both.

Morals

2008-07-15T15:35:00.001-04:00

I touched a little on morals yesterday, and I thought I would say a bit more on them today. I am not really sure where I am going to go with this yet, so I might be all over the place with this, but if you are reading this on a semi-regular basis, you will be getting used to that by now (well, at least in my mind you will, I think I have this habit of digressing a fair amount, maybe I am not as bad as I think).

I think that many people question the morals of youth in this day and age, but I believe that it is a trend that has been happening for at least the past century and likely for much longer then that. The world has changed very rapidly and population has grown with the same velocity. I don't believe that any race was meant to live the way that most humans do on this planet. The metropolis of the big cities; the constant drone of mechanical life around us.

The people cannot help but change with the world around it. Look back in history, less the 150 years ago there were people in America still keeping slaves; 100 years ago we did not think women should have the right to vote. These are moral changes that people have had over the years that I think have had that have been improvements in society. As people begin to believe more that all people should be treated equally regardless are race or gender. We are still working on equality, as the balance is trying to be reached.

People do complain that the balance shifts too much in one way of another and that we give preferential treatment to a minority group because they are a minority, and thus the group that is a majority becomes the object of a type of prejudice as well. If you make a mandate that says you have to hire a certain number of minorities, then you may end up not hiring people better qualified because you have to make that quota. Where is that line drawn?

On a smaller scale with the changes that happen in history, I seem to hear the same themes repeated over and over about children and what they watch or read or listen to for music. From Elvis to the Beatles to the Rolling Stones to Metallica to ACDC to Alice Cooper to Beastie Boys to Snoop Dogg, it is always "the music these kids listen to nowadays!" There is also the escalating violence in movies, television and video games. I am not sure really about how much it has actually escalated in all honesty. I can say that it is more graphic in its intensity, partially cause they have the technology to create better effects now. Psychologically, the violence level has always been there, at least in one degree or another. There is just less imagination that the veiwer has to use themselves now.

As far as sexuality is concerned in society, I think that America is in a very sad state, but maybe not for the reasons other people might think. I do not think that America is sexually depraved and lack sexual morales. What I do think is that we have this false portrayal of what sexuality should be and what sexuality is all about. We also have huge sexual taboos which instead of helping us escape from our falsehoods, they keep us locked in them instead. Since it is all something that you do not speak about in polite company, the issue does not get dealt with in any manner other then to push it back and say that all sexuality is bad.

Now, sexuality is part of a normal reproductive process, and there is nothing bad or dirty about it. It is not something that is really easily denied, cause it is normal, there is no reason we should block it out. But we are taught from an early age that we don't talk about it, while all the while society is showing us these sexual images around us. Women especially are given nearly impossible images that they are supposed to be "beautiful" and aspire to. There is so much pressure and confusion about sexuality, parents and churches telling the youth it is evil or maybe not saying anything at all, their bodies maybe saying something else, and then the images in society definitely saying something about sexuality and what sex "should" be. The Perfect Lie

I really wish we could get not just gays, lesbians and transgender folks out of the closet, but all sex in general. if we stopped hidingit away like a dirty secret, and were just honest about it and didn't have to hide it like it is all something evil and nasty, maybe we can stop having to worry so much about what images we show, because a body is something we all have. If it black or white or off-white, it is still a body. If you have an inny of an outie, hey, it is still a body. Maybe we can actually get past just worrying about sex, and realize it is not about the sex, it is about relationships. That while sex is fun; a sensual, full relationship is much better then a strictly sexual relationship anyday.

Censorship

2008-07-14T18:46:00.000-04:00

I keep on coming up with all these serious topics, I take life way too seriously most of the time. This is not always a good thing, because I am sure I miss out on some of the joys that I could have in life by being so serious. I would rather be intelligent, thoughtful and depressed, then happy and vapid though. Maybe, I just say that because I have not had many times in my life that I have really been happy.

I did actually read a story that had the theme of being smart and dispirited or happy and stupid, and I suppose that in some cases I could say that being intellectual could be situational. For example, if the world was ending and you were the cause of it, and you could do something to make yourself lose your faculties enough to not remember causing this ending, yea, I could go for losing my mind at that point.

Of course, that was all a tangent that had nothing to do with my subject that I am getting to now that I am two paragraphs into my writing. My subject is my feelings about censorship. As a writer, I think it is hard for me to not be against censorship. Of course, not all censorship is in writing, but it a place where there has been a great deal of censorship historically. I really feel that people should be free to share their thoughts and ideas with others. That is one of the great things about the internet.

Now, there are going to be plenty of things that are on the internet, written, made into movies, music, or other medias that I do not like or have no interest in. Now, here is where I have the choice to not expose myself to those forms of media. I can change the channel on the television if I disagree with a program, or change a radio station or listen to cds, I can chose not to look at websites that have material I find offensive. I can even chose not to go to a church that does not share to worship in the way I do.

Of course, the question becomes what about our children and protecting them from the things we do not want them exposed to? Well, the answer there is simple in my mind. Parents monitor them and if there is something they do not want there child exposed to they remove the child's access to it and monitor their children. If there is a book your child is going to read at school that you do not want your child to read, let the school know that you do not think it is appropriate for your child. If other parents still think it is okay for their children, that is their choice to make for their children, not your choice to have a book banned from a school because your feelings on it are different then your own.

Another matter of censorship seems to be a link between censorship and hate crimes. Now, I am very against hate crimes myself and would love to see the bill for hate crimes pass. Mostly because of the amount of discrimination that exists against minorities at this point. I find it very strange that people seem to find a link between hate crimes and censorship personally; unless they feel that by the words that they are saying and printing are indeed going to become a crime by the fact that they are words that incite violence against minorities. Since it seems to be certain churches that have the biggest fears in this area, this makes me really wonder about those churches, and makes me very happy to be in a liberal minded church that accepts minorities.

Now, we get to a few finer points. These have to go more with law I suppose, and with protecting people and such. While I do not believe in censoring material that is said or written, there are laws in place about some materials and I think that many of these laws are very important to follow. For example, I am against child pornography where a child is being exploited. I would hope that other people would find the reasons for this obvious. I think sex should happen between consenting adults. They should be adults because they should understand the ramifications of their actions, and what they do and who they chose to do these actions with are up to them, as long as the terms are agreed upon. As a caveat to this, I also believe that sex should not be done with animals, because they are not able to give knowledgeable consent.

There are other laws which protect people's safety and well being, emotionally and physically. I believe that these laws are also laws that should be followed as well, but, as a whole most of these laws are not ones that lead to censorship. On a whole, I think people need to take responsibility for themselves and their children, and stop blaming media or video games or books as the source of moral problems, and accept the responsibility of teaching morality by having good morals themselves and bring their children up in ways that they learn morals as well.

Disability Defects

2008-07-13T16:21:00.000-04:00

So, I have been on disability for about 17 years now. I manage to get by thanks to various help from other institutions that help with finances and such, but that is not so much the problem I am talking about today. I am talking about the dilemma of getting off from disability after you have been on it for 17 years.

First of all, when you are on disability, you are usually on it because you are at a point where you can not work for one reason or another. Makes sense, right? So, from there you might recover to a point where you start thinking that you might be able to try some kind of work again. Now, depending on your disabilities, an education might help you find a job that is more suited for you. Also, an education can help you get a sense of achievement and make you more marketable in general.

Now we run into our first obstacle, you don't earn enough money on disability to pay for school. So, you go to Vocational Rehabilitation (Voc Rehab), and they help you find something that is suitable for you. Now, the first thing they do is look at your work record, and they say oh, you have not had steady work for 17 years, how can you get a job after you get out of school?

Now, I admit in these 17 years I have been in and out of Voc Rehab a few times. It is rather daunting. I ask to go to school and they set me up with a part time job and then basically ignore me and my request for school after that. Oh, another fact with disability is that you can only make a limited amount of money each month before you lose your disibility and all your support, which includes your insurance which pays for your medications which allow you to work in the first place.

So, when the part time job that I have wants to give me a few more hours that I can't afford to take, what do I do? I become stressed and my symptoms get worse and my ability to works falters. By this time, I have had very little contact with Voc Rehab. When I contact them again they set me up with work that causes a physical injury that I need surgery for. Another year passes before I am able to work again.

Patterns like this repeat for 17 years, work happens, work fails for one reason or another, shame builds, requests for education get ignored. So, here I am in the same place for 17 years, unable to get education to get out of the situation that I am in because of a system that seems that it would rather keep paying me disability for the rest of my life then help me make something with myself.

I have to wonder how many other people are stuck in similar situations to mine. How many people are trying to return to a somewhat normal life and can't get through the beaurecratic red tape to make it happen? I wish I knew a way to make this happen, and I wish I could help others find a way to get unstuck if they wanted to as well.

Humanity

2008-07-12T14:14:00.000-04:00

We live in an age where teen pregnancies are a normal occurrence, violent crimes have increased, and education in America is highly questionable. School systems have programs to teach teens abstinence instead of actually teaching them the dangers and responsibilities of having sex when they are young, as well as safe sex practices. Statistics show that teens that sign these abstinence agreements are more likely to catch STDs and also have teen pregnancies.

My niece was actually in one of these programs, and she had a child when she was seventeen. So, the issue is one that hits close to home for me. There is more to it then just the education system though. There are parents who do not teach their children, or trust the schools to teach them. There is society, in general, which uses sexuality in everyday advertising and promotes sex.

I think that morals have changed over the years. Which is not all a bad thing, and I think it is a natural progression as society progresses. It cannot help but change as science, technology and communication changes. Oh, and we can't forget population growth also. Population growth by itself can be part of the reason for increases in violence. I simply think that we have too many people in the world; not that I want wars or to kill people off or condone violence, but with so many people in such close quarters, I can easily see how they would clash. I don't think humans were meant to live like this.

Back to morals. Morals do shift as times change, and not all of those changes are bad. Like deciding that keeping other people as slaves, or killing people because they have different religious beliefs (oh wait, that is still happening). Deciding that women should have equal rights. These were all decisions that were based on changing morals, and I think were changes for the better.

Some people feel that morals have changed in ways that are in negative ways. Children having sex at young ages and getting pregnant is a good example of this. Now, I do agree that my niece having a child when she was seventeen is pretty lousy for her because it means that she is missing out on many things that she could be doing, like continuing her education, enjoying her youth, or many other things. Instead, she has a child that relies on her care. Things could also be better for her child, as well, I am sure. In the medieval times, a woman having a child at seventeen would not have gotten second looks, but she would already be married also. Again, this is a change of time and morals.

So, I think what I am saying is the actual changes in morals can be somewhat scary, but mostly do not bothers me too much. What does scare me is the education and people getting stupid. There is a movie called Idiocracy about future where the world is basically full of stupid people. The scary thing with it for me is I am not sure how far off base it is. Intelligent people in many cases make choices not to have children, while those that are less then brilliant have several children. Things like this makes me wish that there was population control in the US.

It bothers me that to get a car you need a license, to buy alcohol or cigarettes or even a lottery ticket (yes, I have been carded, when I was 37 no less, to buy lottery tickets), but to have a child all you have to do is insert tab a into slot b and repeat as necessary. Sex is something that can effect the rest of your life.

Heroes

2008-07-11T17:22:00.000-04:00

I was listening to "Christmas in Washington" by Steve Earle recently, and, for those who don't know the song, the tune is not about Christmas or Washington. It is about heroes. Steve Earle mentions many of his heroes. So, naturally, this got me thinking about people that I idolize.

This was not an easy process for me either. I am not sure if it is easy for other people or not. Can most people answer the question "Who are heroes in your life?" without putting some serious thought in it? I wondered for a while if it was lack of education on my part. I do not have as much book learning as I would like. Although I read a great deal, most of what I read is fiction, and thus I can not find real people to be heroes as I do not have the knowledge of real historical figures.

Well, if I do not have the historical knowledge, I should be able to find contemporary people to be my heroes. Even then, it was hard. I started wondering if it was me being egotistical and self centered. I could not see anyone outside of myself as being worthy of being respected that much, but it did not take me long to realize that was not right either. I have a lot of friends that I do envy their intelligence and skills.

I did end up talking to a friend online about her thoughts on heroes. Some of her heroes were family members. She suggested I think smaller. That is when I realized that there are some heroes that have influenced my life.

There may be more, but the ones I can think of right now are John Green, Hank Green (the Vlog Brothers). They are relatively normal people who made something that touched my life and the life of many other people, and created a community where intelligence, creativity and individuality are not only accepted but revered. I can go to their website and remember that I am made of awesome, and remember to smile and have fun in life.

Another hero I know of his Steve Earle as his music has touched my life and made me think more about society and people around me. His songs make me feel, think, and for the first time in my life pay attention to politics which I would much rather ignore. I open my eyes whether I want to or not.

There are other heroes as well. Joe is a hero to me whether he knows it or not. Diane is a heroine, as is Wanda. They know who they are.

On Fame and Children

2008-07-10T17:54:00.000-04:00

Well, this is my first blog post and my thoughts on the subject are from a post John Green made on the Nerdfighters web site about Ali Lohan, a 14 year old child related to Lindsay Lohan releasing a debut single with rather inane lyrics. His thoughts were how this effects both the child and the music industry. As well as how child authors effect the book industry.

Now, there has been a fair amount of information about child actors that do not do well as adults. I am not as sure about child authors. I am not sure really what can be done about the phenomenom, but I also thinking about what would happen if something was done. Could a ruling be passed to keep child actors out of Hollywood because of the undue pressures that it puts on the children? As it seems to lead to many drug problems and generally unstable adults, it seems that it is a major problem.

Would our society actually take the step to protect these children even if the children think it is what they want? Where is the line drawn? Not to mention the fact that Hollywood would suddenly have to try and make movies that don't have children in them, or just complete replace them with CGI. It is some rather interesting speculation.

I know for myself that I would like to see the children protected more, because I find it very sad to see how fame exploits them. There are many adults that have a hard time dealing with the pressures of being famous, the pressures have to be much greater on a child that is trying to develop into a healthy adult.

As for reasonings outside of the children's health and well being, there is also the fact that as far as music and books are concerned, in many cases, the industry is flooded with not just mediocrity, but products that are just plain bad. The music industry continues to pursue the next pretty face and does not care about the quality of the lyrics much less the ability to sing. Book publishers have books that are trite and inconsistent.

Well, speaking on inconsistent, I have pretty much rambled my way through this post as my thoughts came up. I ate least stayed on the general subject. Hopefully, I will be able to keep up with posting on at least a semi-regular basis. I must write more...