Only Endless Memory

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Ooops

So, it must be bad that I don't even remember the fact that I didn't write yesterday. I did a bit of packing, and I think, in general, with a large portion of my apartment packed, I am feeling disconnected and out of sorts. My apartment doesn't feel as much like a home anymore and I feel kind of lost. So, I apologize for not writing.

I did pick out an exercise today, and I have a writing assignment I really should work on for some Nerdfighters I am doing a project with. We are working on a collaborative project to make a book of sorts where each person adds to it and has a certain amount of time to do their part in it. I really need to work out my part since it is my turn to write. I am not sure if my original idea will still work or not, I might just go with it and see what happens.

Anyways, my project today is another challenge from FM Writers.

ENHANCED...

Whether by magic or high-tech wizardry, the temptation to enhance your physical or mental prowess is always with us. From steroids to love potions, we are fascinated by things that 'improve' us or give us an edge, even if it is morally questionable, or even dangerous. Today, show your character as they wrestle with the idea of enhancing themselves despite the cost.

I am not even sure what character I am going to use yet; I might even be making up some new ones. I just like this idea, so I am going with it.

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A Matter of Magic

Feral held the potion in his hand and glared belligerently at Shadow, who was looking as calmly as ever back at his brother. His very calmness just caused Feral's anger to rise that much more. "Don't you want me to win?" he said through gritted teeth with only a slight emphasis on the you.

Shadow sighed softly, "Do not ask me silly questions you already know the answers to, brother."

His right hand ran through his silky black mane of hair, and he did his best to count slowly to ten. He made it to three before barking out, "Then why don't you want me to use this?" He held up the phial in his hand.

"I want you to win fairly, brother."

"What if I don't win, brother-dear? What then? What if the witch kills me? You know damn well what she is capable of." Feral's green eyes seemed to brighten in his anger, and he shook slightly. Even Feral could not tell if his shaking was anger or fear, he had been close to death before, but to willingly walk into it's mouth and not take all advantage that he could take.

Shadow gazed back at his brother, his voice and demeanor as calm as ever, "Then she will learn to regret what she did to me."

Feral gazed into his brother's eyes and saw the peaceful gray darken ever so slightly. He closed his own eyes, and tried counting to ten again, he managed to make it to seven this time, that was close to his record of eight. He put the potion down, and turned to meet his fate.

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Thursday, August 14, 2008

Writing When you Don't Feel Like It

Yep, I am not feeling much like writing today. I was completely brain dead yesterday and was doing a million things. I packed, then had a friend over and went shopping with her and helped her pick out a printer and some stuff for it. Then we went out to the movies and I had to be up early today for Voc Rehab. Voc Rehab decided I need more testing before they will let me go to school, so I am likely not going to be able to go to the first term in September.

In a way this is good, because I do not have to worry about moving and starting school at the same time. On the other hand, I am upset that I got kind of screwed over because the counselor did not do the testing that he should have done in the first place. I guess I will just deal with things as they come, it is all I can do right now.

Things for the move are still coming along well. I have things settled for the movers, and I am borrowing money from my friend for the extra that I need for the security deposit. I almost had that screwed up for me also because I did not get information from the housing people on time to get the loan from Pastoral Services. Thankfully, my friend happened to have money I could borrow.

Okay, different writing exercise today, I got this one Forward Motion Writer's Community. Forward Motion is a site that is set up for writer's wherever they are on their path in writing, but it is for those who have the ambition of getting published, and gives information for writer's and how to present their writing as well as lots or various exercises.

The exercise I am doing is around a character I have already created and used in other stories I have written. I would like him to be in a novel, I have a few chapters done, but no where close to enough...

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The Morning After

Fury's eye cracked open and then closed again with a groan. Pain lanced through his head. What Mack truck hit me? he thought to himself not wanting to move. His mind was crawling trying to focus back on what had happened the night before. The light coming in through the window was much too bright for him to think clearly. His foggy mind stalled a moment, Light through the window? "Sonuva... Where the hell am I?"

He felt movement near him and turned quickly, his eyes opening wide, regretting both the movement and opening his eyes immediately. A pair of blue eyes opened from a handsome face. "Morning, Fur," Flex said his eyes failing to focus as usual, "You had a bad night, but we took cover here. Tawny has the perimeter, it's safe. You should rest some more, sounds like you could use it."

With those words, Flex put his head back down on the pillow, his blond hair looking tussled with sleep. Fury slowly turned back over, pain slowly receding from his head. He wished the cobwebs would do the same, He put his head back down and relaxed slowly. Flex's arm settled over his ribs, and thoughts of sleep vanished from his mind. He couldn't move or ask, he did not want to ruin the easy peace Flex, but what had happened? What did he not remember?

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Short and Sweet, enough to leave you wondering ;-)

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Monday, August 11, 2008

So Much on my Mind

Wow, what a day. I am not even sure what I have been doing most of the day. I got up and did laundry, and I did all the phone calls needed to for gas, power, internet, and phone for the new apartment. My friend Michelle called and we talked about computers as she plans to get a new one, so I looked up stuff online to build her a new computer.

I packed a couple boxes and cleaned up a little more for people coming over for the Pagan Circle meeting tomorrow. I just feel like my concentration has been completely gone and I have been sort of flitting from one thing to another and not quite focused on anything fully today. When I woke up I was having an anxiety attack. It was not a horrible one, not bad enough to a full blown panic attack, but I think it set the day up to leave me off balance.

I actually had read something on another person's blog that mention some specific questions about ritual and paganism. It is a subject that has come up several times in one way or another over the past couple years. Basically, the person was discussing the use and placement of candles and which color they should be and the correct time for the ritual.

While I do think that there are times that a ritual can have more strength to it due to the phase of the moon or the time of the year or other such things, overall I believe that most workings can be done pretty much any time. We use certain times of day or certain phases of the moon to help us with our focus, but when it comes down to it, it is based on intent.

This also goes into things such as candles or other items used for spellcrafting or for ritual purposes. A spell can be cast with nothing other then your mind and your will and your thoughts, then rest is just there to help you focus and direct your intent. They are symbols we use for sympathetic magics. High Magics that such as those in the Qabalah use various symbols for similar effect. The simple idea of "wishing on a star" is a very basic form of magic. The childhood poem, "Starlight, Starbright, Firt star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish, Get the wish I wish tonight," is a very basic spell.

As for setting up an altar, it can be done as simply or elaborately as money, time and space allows. Also, it can be done to your or your groups own tastes. I had a fellow pagan come into my house and she mentioned I didn't have an altar set up. I then proceeded to point out the altar that I had set up that was done almost entirely with crystals, then the one that was done with a mixture of stone and pewter figures of animals and mythical creatures, then one that was a mix of crystals and creatures that represented the elements and she started realizing that most of my apartment was set up as an altar of one type or another.

There was a time when I was very depressed that I spent a fair amount of time in psychiatric hospitals, and I was not allowed to bring in things one would normally have on an altar. This taught me to improvise a great deal, and I actually had a mini-altar that I packed for times that I went into hospitals. I had different colored stones for each element, a feather, and a couple of pictures. That was my altar, and there was no object in it that was a problem to bring into the hospital, so I could have it with me.



It is nice to be able to have things that are meaningful to you on an altar or in your rituals, but when it comes down to it, it really can be done inexpensively and easily. A wand can be a simple branch that you pick up on a walk in the woods, there is no real need to buy something elaborate and expensive. A figure of the Goddess or God can be a picture that you print on the computer or simply a candle. I use various stones for the elements all the time. Our Pagan group is talking about using a red dragon figure to represent the south on our altar because having a candle burning in the south where we reach across it makes some people nervous.

The limits of magic are our imaginations.

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Sunday, August 10, 2008

More About Me

I have said a few things about myself in various posts, and in my bio, but I have been relatively vague about a lot about myself, other then my interest in writing and things that I am doing. I have also mentioned much of my beliefs, thoughts and philosophies. I suppose I should let you know some about my background and some of where my thinking process comes from.

I was born the last of six children. My parents had three boys and then three girls. It was also an abusive childhood, with my father being sexually abusive and my mother knowing it was happening but not stopping it. My mother was also abusive in other ways as she was the disciplinarian in the family and was very controlling. Many of the abuses from the mother were fairly subtle and hard to see, and it left me very confused.

Also, because of the way I handled the various abuses internally, it left me vulnerable to things outside of the home as well. This made school particularly difficult, and making friends was very hard for me and still is. I am very shy and have a hard time feeling like I fit in anywhere. Because of the various abuses that happened, I formed Dissociative Identity Disorder (more commonly known as Multiple Personality Disorder). Along with this, I also had some of the other problems which often came with it, including General Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

These were not found until after I was out of the abusive house, and it really had turned my life upside down. I was not able to function at work and the Depression had me suicidal and self destructive. That is why I am disability. It has been seventeen years, and I have improved a good deal.

In that period of time, one of the choices I made was to live as male instead of as female. I have not had any surgery due to the fact that I can't afford it and it is hard to get insurance to cover it, but I have been on testosterone, and between the changes from that as well as the way I act and speak, dress, etc. I generally am "pass" as male.

As you can guess, I have a lot of thoughts about gender an also sexuality as it relates to gender (I still am more interested in men, but consider myself bi-sexual with a preference to men). My general thought on a partner is that I am more interested in their personality then in their gender. I am also interested in abuse issues and morality, in general, because of my past.

Oh, as another note, I was brought up Roman Catholic, but when I was about seventeen or eighteen I chose to become pagan, because paganism made more sense to me then Christianity. I was rather anti-Christian for a time because of some negative experiences with the church and with Christians I had known, but I have grown to be accepting of the Christians themselves and judge them as people not as their religion. I still do not agree with many of the doctrines of the Catholic church, but this does not mean I do not like Catholics, it means I do not like the doctrines.

Wow, I am sure I could write several entries on just my thoughts on religion acceptance. This is enough for now, I think it gives a general overview about me. I purposely kept things rather vague.

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Friday, August 8, 2008

Playing with Blog Theme

So, I have been playing with my blog theme if you folks have been coming here, I think you would have noticed. I know a little html and have edited the code that I got from the Caz's site to add in a couple of things and take some out, but not a huge amount. I would actually like to play around with things a bit more, but some of my concerns with legal images and such.

I have found some places where I can get free pictures, so I can use that. As I like fantasy, it is fairly difficult to get photographs of fantasy creatures and most of the stock art is pretty sub-standard in my mind. So, the question is where to get fantasy or pagan themed art that would not be going against copyright violations if I used it. I actually do care to give credit to other artist where it is due, and wish to also show things that I post here legally as well (imagine that).

Is it strange to be so concerned about these things in this day and age? There are images online that people can download and do download on a regular basis. I do download some art and use if for solely for my own enjoyment (usually just to look at the pictures or as a background on my computer). To the best of my knowledge that is not using it in an illegal manner, as it is not using it publicly or for profit.

Is that line different for artwork then it is for music? I know many people who make music online and it completely free. If you look at many blogs and other forms of writing that people do online, many of them are for free as well. Although, I have heard that there are people that get paid for blogging. That must be rather nice.

I could deal with getting paid for blogging in some ways, I am just not sure if the general populace would find what I write about of any interest. I generally feel that most people don't like thinking much and since I spend a great deal of time ruminating about one thing or another in my posts it would not be of interest to them, but that might be me being cynical or egotistical or both.

I digressed again, didn't I? Where do people draw the line on what is "right" or "wrong" to download from the computer? I am saying if you put aside the laws, what is moral or not? Should Hollywood get paid as much as they do for the movies that they produce? Should popular musicians earn as much money as they do? For that matter should athletes be paid as they are?

Famous athletes often make an average of twenty million dollars a year or more. The highest paid actors can make that much per movie they are in. I have to wonder about people getting that kind of money when we are still people living on the streets and people who have no medical insurance. It makes me really question the whole idea of whether it is wrong to download a movie online when people are getting paid that much and I am living on disability myself.

Should people be denied art, music, movies and general enjoyment because they have a disability that makes them unable to work? It really makes one start to think about morals again. Then there is the whole question about buying a movie on DVD or music on a CD when you think of all of the packaging involved. So, where is the right or wrong?

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Thursday, August 7, 2008

Accomplishments

Have I made any accomplishments on things I have needed to get done? Well, my softcover books are all packed that was one thing on my list. I have gotten in touch with the landlord about moving in on the Wednesday before the date I was set to move in, which in August 27th. That is the date that the main move should be happening. I might have other stuff that has to get moved on the weekend of the 30th-31st, but the bulk of stuff will be on that Wednesday.

I also talked to the old landlord so they know that I am moving out, and all that is settled. Oh, and I called the new landlord to set up an appointment hopefully this weekend to see the new apartment again, as I would like to get some measurements of the rooms to plan out the layouts of how I want to set things up. (Anal retentive? Who me?)

I dropped off the paperwork with the college and got results back from my English test, which I passed without any hint of doubt in their minds. I signed up for the English 120 course, since I now have the results from the test. Now, as long as Voc Rehab will fund things like they had originally said that they would, things should fall into place.

A large amount of the living room is actually packed at this point. I have about a bookshelf and a half worth of stuff left on the shelves. I have not taken down any art from the walls at this point as that will likely be moved by my friends instead of the movers. Maybe some can be moved by the movers. There are some knick knacks on some shelves as well. I also have both computer desks.

I can pack the back up computer and some things on the desk, and when it is closer to the move date, I will move the use computer to the small computer desk and take this desk apart. The next room I work on will be my bedroom. I have lots of "stuff" in my bedroom. I also have a bookshelf in the bedroom and the one in the kitchen. Did I mention having a lot of books?

Packing is progressing nicely though and I did get another collection of boxes today. My case worker had mentioned the idea of getting rid of some of my books and at first I balked at the idea, thinking about it now, there are a few that I could get rid of, just not a large amount. I like my books. There are a few reference books that I was given that I have never used, and likely never will. They are just not the type of thing I am generally interested in.

I am not sure if I can do much until I unpack for at least some of them though. Some I can take out beforehand though. I will need to get a shoehorn to fit all of this stuff into the new apartment I am sure.

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Musical Answers

This is a list of questions that someone posted on the Nerdfighters forums. The idea they had was to put your media player on random select and answer the questions with whatever song comes up. I actually went through and answered the questions with the song that I felt answered the question. I relate to music a great deal, and find that I can express myself better in song then I can in just words at times. I suppose this could a way to cheat writing feelings, but this is more a bonus post then anything, and it was something fun for me to do.

1. How am I feeling today? “Us of Lesser Gods” - Flogging Molly
2. Will I get far in life? “Regular Man” - Steve Earle
3. How do my friends see me? “Harvest of Sorrow” - Blind Guardian
4. Where will I get Married? “Olde Mill Inn” Blackmore's Night
5. What is my best friend's theme song? “Ordinary Day” - Great Big Sea
6. What is the story of my life? “The Unforgiven” -Metallica
7. What was high school like? “The Outcast” - Dropkick Murphies
8. How can I get ahead in life? “Here I Am” - Steve Earle
9. What is the best thing about me? “Wondrous Stories” - Yes
10. How is today going to be? “The Ghost of a Smile” -The Pogues
11. What is in store for you this weekend? “Everybody Took a Holiday” - Klaatu
12. What song describes my parents? “No Children” - The Mountain Goats
13. My grandparents? “Dead Man's Party” - Oingo Boingo
14. How is my life going? “Building Fires” - Michael Longcor
15. What song will they play at my funeral? “Green Fields of France” - Dropkick Murphies
16. How does the world see me? “Strange Animal” - Gowan
17. Will I have a happy life? “Lovecraft in Brooklyn”- The Mountain Goats
18. What do my friends really think of me? “Defender of the Child” - Heather Alexander
19. Do people secretly lust after me? “I Can't Dance” - Genesis
20. How can I make myself happy? “Albuquerque” - “Weird Al” Yankovich
21. What should I do with my life? “Seasons of Love' - RENT Soundtrack
22. Will I ever have children? “Throwing Stones” - Grateful Dead
23. What is some good advice? “Turn Around, Look Around” - Bill Roper
24. What is my signature dancing song? “Good Old-Fashioned Lover Boy” -Queen
25. What do I think my current theme song is? “Consequence Free” - Great Big Sea
26. What does everyone else think my current theme song is? “Toy Soldiers” - Carbon Leaf
27. What type of men/women do you like? “Somebody” - Depeche Mode

As an addition to this post, I will add something else. If anyone has a question about any particular song and why I chose it or wants information about the song, they they post it in the comments. I will write about my reasoning and answer questions about the songs and about the artists or such if I have the information. I can also post links to lyrics for most of these songs. DFTBA!

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Wednesday, August 6, 2008

ARGH!!!

I had to think about that, was three exclamation points enough or did I need four there. I think three is enough for now. Next week, I will decide if I need four or not. I woke up today from a phone call from Voc Rehab, saying at this point they do not have enough of a plan for me to support me going to school. They need a more solid idea of what I want to do with an Associate's Degree in Liberal Arts for them to help pay for it.

This meant I stayed in bed later then I intended (it was also raining and gloomy outside), then dragged myself out of bed and looked up information on what I could do with my intended Liberal Arts degree. I found some information and mailed it to the counselor at Voc Rehab. It was four paragraphs of researched information that had some pieces of truth on things that hold an interest to me and some of them even have a possibility of happening with an Associate's Degree.

After I finished that, I did more packing and continued to be concerned about the dilemma of how many movers take how many hours to move the bulk of my stuff from my current apartment to my new apartment. In all truth, I am not sure how long it will take. I have no clue whatsoever. Okay, now that I distracted myself for a half an hour, I might have some of a clue.

The internet can be a wonderful thing. I looked up some information about moving costs and such. The general costs that it seemed to have for moving a two bedroom apartment estimated two people for two hours. It did not take into account things like the fact that the apartment I am living in now is on the third floor, so that will add some to things. I am guessing that I also have more then the average number of books. I could be wrong on that, but I somehow think that the estimate I had of three people for four hours is not unreasonable.

Anyways, as far as my packing has been going. I have most of my DVDs packed, and my books are slowly getting packed. I really do have a lot of books. I need to get the number of the new landlord and start making some phone calls tomorrow in a big way. So much to do, I need to make more lists! I will likely finish this off and make a list of what I need to do when I speak with the person from housing tomorrow.

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Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Moving Sucks

I have done a reasonable amount of packing today, but still not a huge amount. I am trying to pace myself with it. I am still not positive of my exact move date. I think the movers will be here on Wednesday the 27th, but I am not positive. I need to talk to the housing person and work on some details still. I also need to speak with her about my security deposit as well.

I am bad at trying to guess how much time it takes me to pack things and work that into things I have to do. I am just kind of making it up as I go along. As today was not swelteringly hot, I figured I would take advantage of that fact and the fact that I also had boxes on hand. I still have boxes unpacked, but I have done enough for a little while at least. I can do more later this eve, or wait until tomorrow.

I think things are packing up reasonable well so far. I still have a ton of things I have to do. I really need to get to the college and drop off some paperwork and check and see if they have the results of my test yet. Has it been only a week since I went to the college? I am so horrible with time. I just looked at the information I had gotten from FAFSA and I sent that in around the July 18th, so it has been around two weeks. My English test at the college should be graded by now.

Well, I think I am going to go and try to de-stress a bit. Moving, School, School and Moving! EEPS!!!

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Monday, August 4, 2008

My Weekend

As you may or may not have noticed, I have not written in a couple days. The reason for this was that I was away for the weekend. My brother took me to Pittsfield, NH on Saturday for a Hot Air Balloon Rally. Sadly, the weather was pretty lousy and the balloons stayed packed in trucks, so we never saw them. We had a passing thunderstorm that was pretty impressive.

While the balloons did not go up, we did get to enjoy some of the fair atmosphere. I ate large quantities of fried food, including part of a blooming onion, some chicken fingers, yummy french fries, and, of course, fried dough. My brother, sister, three of her children and I rode the storm out in my sister's mini-van, and then we wandered around a bit more until the fireworks, that were not canceled.

The fireworks were actually rather impressive also. They lasted about fifty minutes and were timed at least to some degree with music played over the loudspeaker system. The music varied from Rammstein to John Cougar Mellancamp to a classical piece to Johnny Cash. They also seemed to have about four finales; just when we would think they were over, there would be more. This picture is one that my brother Joe took.



Sunday, we had a cookout at the campground where my brother was staying with his RV (I spent two nights in the RV). We had a little rain during it, but it wasn't too bad. Well, it may have been at one point, but I was asleep during it if it was. My digestive system and I had another argument. I have IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), and it basically sucks when it decides to flare up.

We did have a fun time with the cookout also though, we had some bratwurst and later on had S'mores. I may have eaten more if my digestive system was not arguing with me. Never did get to eat the chicken sausage, and that makes me kind of sad. Over all, I had a great time. It was nice to see family, especially Joe. I also got to see my nephews and my newest niece. I wish my sister Diane could have been there too.

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Friday, August 1, 2008

Anti-Christian Sentiments

I was just reading the Nerdfighter forum and saw something that really bothered me. There was someone that started a thread about looking for Christian Nerdfighters to talk to about being Christian and God. They also added if their were any non-Christian Nerdfighters that wanted to talk about the Bible or God also they could be involved as well.

The first response was that it was the record time that it took for the person to hate the poster. The following threads were almost all posts that were also anti-Christian and various levels of insults and then completely hi-jacking the conversation. While I am not Christian myself, I respect that Christians have the right to their own beliefs even if I do not agree with them myself. I also believe that if you want to reach out to someone who has a belief that you do not agree with, the method to reach them is not by attacking them. It solves nothing.

Attacking someone and being rude and hating them for their beliefs also goes against what being a Nerdfighter is all about to me. Being a Nerdfighter is about accepting differences in people, usually because you have come from a place where you are seen as different and know how it feels to be treated so. I was really saddened to see this blatant disregard for another persons feelings on the forums.

As I said, I do not think that attacking another person for their beliefs is a way to help them change their beliefs if anything, it will strengthen them. It will give the person a feeling of surpassing worthiness by proving that they are "morally superior" to a person that is rude and shows hate to someone attempting to reach out and be friendly. My guess is that the people saying these things are just proving to themselves their own personal strength, but they lack the foresight to see the results of their words and how others see them.

I did make a reply to the post, because I feel that it is important to do what I can when I can. It may not be much and I might get attacked for it, but perhaps the person will think some for me having posted something. If not, I at least tried and feel better for doing my own part. All that each person can do is work with their limited means.

I have seen fundamentalism in many forms and it always saddens me. Most people complain about fundamentalist Christians, but I have also seen pagans that are fundamentalists as well. The attitudes are the same, "my way is right and it is not possible that any other way is right so you are all wrong." Fundamentalism in any form is still fundamentalism.

Living in the New England area, I have seen more then a couple fundamentalist pagans. I have seen a great deal of hypocrisy as well. The Wiccan Rede "And Ye Harm None, Do As Ye Will," is an interesting rule to look at. For those who may need a translation, it basically says, as long as no one is harmed (in any way, that also means controlled against their will and such), you can do pretty much what you want. I have been involved with some rather judgmental pagans that complained because they had an open circle, and the people that came to the circle were uncomfortable because the circle was in an enclosed area and all of the people except for the two of them were smokers.

Smoking, in general, is braking the Wiccan Rede, because people know they are harming themselves by smoking and they also know that the second hand smoke can cause harm to others. Now, even if they do not smoke around non-smokers at all, harming none should include yourself. Just my thoughts on the subject. Sorry about the rant.

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